Cyberloss, synchronicity and healing

Hello, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. As I write this, I am listening to a playlist I made with songs which have some connection to Kim in my world. Amongst others, this playlist includes songs by James Taylor, REO Speedwagon and Keith Urban, although as yet there are no George Harrison songs on there. It’s about time I rectified that, I think.

A few of the songs are by artists or bands to which she introduced me, though other songs helped me cope or provided a soundtrack to that fiery anger I felt initially upon hearing that she’d died. (Again, the lack of Bruce Springsteen songs surprises me – The Boss does controlled anger rather well, particularly on his most recent album.)

As if to underline recent progress, I introduced a song into my live set last night which I would not have expected to be able to play at the beginning of this year, or ever. I play it for myself, but that’s quite a different proposition, because when I’m playing at home, I can stop if I feel emotion coming in. Live, that’s just not possible.

The song in question was Neil Young’s ‘Heart of Gold‘ which was the last song I taught Kim to play via an audio guitar lesson. Thinking back on it, that may have been the one where I purposefully left a minor error in just to show her that I was not a superhuman guitarist. (She often called me ‘the expert’ in terms of guitar playing…probably jokingly.)

Last night, I butchered it in the key of A, only realising partway through that nobody would be able to play the harmonica part in that key. That was a shame, but I intend to play the song again, now that I have proven to myself that I can.

What happened next was truly remarkable, though. Another guitarist played their song, and then it was the turn of a guy who does brilliant Beatles covers, as well as writing his own songs in Cornish. I had to hide my surprise and emotion as he began to play ‘Let it Be’, which was the first song I taught Kim to play on guitar.

Moments like that show me she’s around, whether I know or want her presence or not. Lately, I’ve realised that I do want the same sense of continued connection I have with Chris…not just that. It is possible for that connection to happen. After spending so long mired in anger, I seriously doubted it.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,



About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
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