Shine e-course day eight: gossip, negative talk and feeling like the victim


Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Today’s prompt for Shine resonated with me in light of all that I’m trying to change by doing the course. I want to allow myself to be free of my story in a way, and truly embrace my experiences by doing so.

Yes, it was hard to experience the things that I have, to witness them…even over the great distance that most of them were played out from. However, now something is shifting. I feel more able in the midst of my grief, able to decide what I want to do with it and how I want to change it. (There’s no question of ‘if’ I want to change it – that goes without saying.)

Anyway, today’s prompt for Shine invited us to notice when we were gossiping or talking negatively, complaining or otherwise feeling like the victim.

Writing in my journal was interesting for this particular prompt. I realised that most of my ‘feeling like the victim’ still stems from the experience with Kim. I wrote: ‘It is easy – some might say far too easy, for me to paint myself as a victim in light of Kim’s death, but I am by far the only person [realised what I was writing at this point and corrected myself] by far not the only person to have been deeply hurt by it.’

I’m sure that because I am outside Kim’s inner circle, that is why it seems to me that her family and close friends have an easier time forgiving her. The truth is that for some reason I will not allow myself to forgive her.

More tomorrow…

Casey B.

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
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3 Responses to Shine e-course day eight: gossip, negative talk and feeling like the victim

  1. Tara_Windwalker says:

    I’m sorry that you are suffering. I would take it away in a nano-second, if I could. Here’s some things to think about. I will only say, “they helped me” but I can’t say that “I got it!” quickly. hugs

    Recently, I loaned the DVD “Forgiveness: A time love & a time to hate” by Helen Whitney, from the library. I heard some things that clicked right a way and others that came together after being slowly digested in various parts of my Being.

    In one segment, Terri Jentz talked about forgiveness: “Forgiveness mode was the mode that rendered me inactive for so many years. That was the mode I went into by default because that was my training from various religious pursuits. But in my case an easy forgiveness, this cheap grace that I had afforded myself, was tremendously detrimental because it left me with this legacy of powerlessness: of an inability to resume my Will, an inability to acknowledge my anger.

    Another person in the film, Don Robeson, said “I’ve a short fuse and it all seems to be directed … back then. I haven’t been able to forget. It’s not that I’ve not forgiven, I can’t forget and put it out of my mind …”

    In the DVD, Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete says: “Anger is an expression of the need for justice and the awareness of the radical injustice that seems to accompany human life, but in the end it’s dangerous. It has to be done with with great caution. Submission of anger is harmful.”

    He also said “the feeling of recognition of the other’s humanity is what forgiveness is all about”. When we “transcend our trauma” to recognize that the other person is merely human makes it easy to forgive that person and we are no longer stuck.

    • Casey B says:

      I love you, Tara.

      Thank you for being gentle, and most importantly being willing, to sit with me in this strange state. I want to end that story (the one where I’m angry at Kim and in so much pain because of what she ‘did’) and start a new one, where I honour her for what she was to me, and forgive the things that made that relationship difficult. The Don Robeson quote really resonates, because that’s where I feel I am. Bless you a thousand times for sharing.

      Take care,

      Casey

  2. Tara_Windwalker says:

    sorry about DVD title error. It should be “Forgiveness: a time to love & a time to hate” by Helen Whitney

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

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