I hope this post finds you well. Today’s prompt for Shine resonated with me in light of all that I’m trying to change by doing the course. I want to allow myself to be free of my story in a way, and truly embrace my experiences by doing so.
Yes, it was hard to experience the things that I have, to witness them…even over the great distance that most of them were played out from. However, now something is shifting. I feel more able in the midst of my grief, able to decide what I want to do with it and how I want to change it. (There’s no question of ‘if’ I want to change it – that goes without saying.)
Anyway, today’s prompt for Shine invited us to notice when we were gossiping or talking negatively, complaining or otherwise feeling like the victim.
Writing in my journal was interesting for this particular prompt. I realised that most of my ‘feeling like the victim’ still stems from the experience with Kim. I wrote: ‘It is easy – some might say far too easy, for me to paint myself as a victim in light of Kim’s death, but I am by far the only person [realised what I was writing at this point and corrected myself] by far not the only person to have been deeply hurt by it.’
I’m sure that because I am outside Kim’s inner circle, that is why it seems to me that her family and close friends have an easier time forgiving her. The truth is that for some reason I will not allow myself to forgive her.