Shine day three: marked by resistance


Today was the first truly challenging day of the Shine e-course. Some people would jump at the chance to ‘Find 15 minutes in your day to do something that feels like doing nothing‘.

I might have thought I’d be one of them, but it was not so. I read the email and thought ‘Interesting…’. I ultimately decided that the best way for me to do it, without distraction from TV etc. would be to lie on my bedroom floor for a quarter of an hour.

Good idea, but the execution left something to be desired. I got down onto the floor, and the room began to spin. Eventually it stopped, and I was able to ‘enjoy’ the experience.

Today marked the first time in a long time where I’ve actually been able to have a clear mind, without immediately thinking of Kim every time I have no other thoughts.

Equally surprising to me was the fact that my inner critic, who tends to take over most aspects of my life, including my grieving process took on another character. During this experience, it was almost like being with a therapist. I lay there with the thought ‘I can’t enjoy this’ going around my head, and had a full-blown conversation with myself as to why.

I didn’t get any concrete answers, but I think it’s the same old issue. Being alone with my thoughts is very scary. I think I was concerned that if I allowed myself not to think, then the usual thought processes would begin of their own accord.

Perhaps now that is not the case. It’s a little weird, and slightly unnerving, to think of my thought processes if I am not grieving, but I suppose that’s the point of the course. Breaking out of those thought patterns is likely to be incredibly liberating, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me next.

If you’re interested in following along as I post, please follow the blog via email (on the right)  to make sure that you don’t miss an update over the next 28 days. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

ncblogsig

 

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
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