I hope this post finds you well. I am once more in that hallowed state where I could almost believe that none of ‘this’ has happened. As of this moment, the experiences I have had do not consume me. It is tempting to think that the darkest times are over, but I am not so naïve.
All this means is that for this moment, I am able to breathe. I fervently hope there will come a day when I will not think of Kim in anger, and I am doing my best to make that happen. However, it is not as simple as simply putting it down. I am not sure that would be safe, as to me that is avoiding it.
For now, Kim is the only person I have ever known for whom my first thought is most often in anger. I know this has to change, I’m just not sure how. It’s harder to face it, but I am aware that it is the smartest thing I can do under the circumstances.
If I ignore it, it will still be there. It may not ‘engulf’ me as I am concerned that it would, but it will not disappear simply because I want it to. I must strike a balance between dealing with it and not allowing it to be my focus.
On reflection, that is probably the point which I was intended to take away from recent discussions, but instead I took it the wrong way.
Perhaps we don’t always see the things we’re meant to straight away. I was too busy silently explaining why I don’t believe I’m focusing on it. It makes sense to me that I’m not, because I can function and do things. When I get stressed, there are certain things about which I am stressed – this experience isn’t one of them.
It returns to mind because I haven’t yet found a way to forgive and deal with these feelings. With Chris, it was easier, because I had time in which I could accept what was going to happen. It was still harrowing, but I know within myself that she is now at peace. I could ‘relinquish’ my attachment to her.
Because Kim died ‘suddenly’, it was totally different. Although I’d known on some level that it was going to happen, I didn’t have the same chance to accept it. Hopefully this series of ramblings will come to an end soon. It must be wearing thin for you, as it is for me.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,