Giving voice to the mess


Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. It’s hard to describe where I am at the moment in my journey. I recognise that I seem to arrive at these points from time to time, but it’s difficult to know where to go from here.

“Forgive her. Let it go.” seems to have become my ‘mantra’ at this point, but even realising that it’s over, completely finished…I don’t know how. I don’t think it’s about filling the role, because the role she would be filling is probably ‘somebody to worry about’, which nobody needs.

It seems to me that I need to change the way I feel about her, to allow myself some freedom from the way I think. ‘Forgive her, let it go…’ is one mantra, and ‘I owe it to myself to let this go’ is the other.

The thing about the latter is it comes out as a snarled threat. I think if I’ve learned anything over the past six weeks, the significant bits would be that the garden centre experience has a name, and that there is a possibility I bring this on myself.

That in itself was a known quantity – it’s more about how I can shift that. I need to get to a point where my first thought isn’t the anger. I’d like to be able to think of Kim normally, or just to be able to think of her, rather than thinking of the peripheral stuff.

It feels like a hamster wheel, but I think that might be the point. I’d like to have the freedom to think of Kim sometimes, rather than having this entire situation taking up space in the back of my mind. I’d love to believe that ‘This too will pass’, but I’m not sure quite how or when.

All I can do in between is focus on the stuff that I need to get done, and the things that bring me joy. It’s a shame that this is still with me, but I am trying to deal with it. This song is the soundtrack to much of that process.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

ncblogsig

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Forgiving myself, Grief Loss and Bereavement and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Giving voice to the mess

  1. Forgiveness is overrated. It’s not always possible, either, but hopefully, getting to a place where you can think of someone with equal parts generosity and faded anger, is. Good luck, and keep posting, please.

    • Casey B says:

      Thanks, Mary.

      I think that’s more my destination, whether that means ‘forgiving’ or just a softening of the edges around this experience. I will definitely keep posting, although I fear I’m going in circles at the moment.

      Take care,

      Casey

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