I hope this post finds you well. My latest serious attempt to process Kim’s death has been an interesting journey, to say the least. (I differentiate between serious attempts to process and what I do most of the time, which is kind of hamster wheel stuff.)
Through everything I think I have come to realise that what I want is to be able to accept what happened completely. There’s a lot of frustration still there, which can’t be helpful in my continuing attempts to forgive her.
It’s not that I can’t say it. I could say it a thousand times, but actually believing it is another thing entirely. At some future point, I would like to be able to acknowledge her, and think: ‘No, I don’t agree with what happened, but despite that, I accept that it was her path.’
I know that, but believing it and stopping the part of me that responds in that irrational ‘inner five-year-old’ way is another thing entirely. I understand and accept that ‘you can’t save everyone’, but I’d like to step out of this thinking loop guilt-free.
At this precise moment, I don’t feel I can. My knee-jerk reaction is anger. Every time, my first thought for Kim is some permutation of ‘I hate you’ or ‘Why did you do this to me/us?’
I don’t particularly want to think of a person I once admired and valued in that way. I would like to be able to simply be grateful for the time we had, for the support she gave.
The anger and other emotions which remain are still in the way. I hope that I can come to terms with it soon, because on some level I’m tired of the struggle with it. Anybody else would put it down, but I’m not anybody else. I need to feel like I’ve dealt with it, and I don’t right now.
Apologies for the ramble – Sunday’s post will be a little better, hopefully.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,