I hope this post finds you well. I’ll start by saying that I’m not sure this is going to be the post I intended to write, but sometimes plans are made in sand. Whatever I intended to post was somewhat overshadowed by an experience I had in an Easter service at a local church.
Given that the spiritual seems to present an ongoing struggle for me, I was quite surprised that I attended the service. The ‘joy’ of Easter seems to be a couple of steps removed for me, as everything unravelled around that time. Yes, I knew it was going to happen, but I had suppressed that truth for some time. Knowing it didn’t make me ready, although it made loosening the attachment (just a little) easier.
However, this time of year is still difficult, because it was this time. I nodded my way through much of the service, not ready to invest myself in it fully, until the vicar began to talk about the resurrection promises. He talked of Christ being with those who believe, and providing His comfort.
He acknowledged that some find Easter a difficult period, because we are faced with the Truth of the Resurrection, but also with the ‘reality of death’. I flinched at those words, but his next words broke the dam. ‘If you’re missing someone today, He is with you.’ I didn’t quote that exactly, because that was the point at which I lost all composure and began to cry.
It was embarrassing, but healing. I attempted to stop myself, but thought it would be far better to just give in to it for a time. I’ve not done that in a while, after all. My tears in that moment were solely expressing my pain at Chris’ absence. They were not for her, as I nearly wrote, because she is free, and at peace. At this time of year I grieve because I miss her more than at other times. I just hope I can allow myself a similar release at some point with regard to Kim, because there is sadness there, but it lurks below a ‘seam’ of anger. The anger seems unreasonable, but that is why I am seeking support.
Today, however, I remember and honour Chris. I know that she was with me in that moment, because after I had composed myself I noticed that two flowers had fallen from the bedecked cross on the stage. Love goes on, and that is a truth I can handle, although I have a feeling that future Easters may not be so tough.
In Loving Memory of
Chris Thomas (1967-2007)
A dear friend to me, and a blessing to the world.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,