Today, I feel spent. There’s so much to say, and yet there’s nothing that will come. This is what Easter does, and has done for the past six years. I can’t help but wonder when this will lift. I try to kid myself that I have control, but really it feels the other way around. These surges of grief just keep coming, and every year it seems to start earlier. The average period of time I’m ‘down’ for is six weeks, beginning at the beginning of March, and lasting til the 15th of April or so.
In the past, the 15th of April was a kind of goal date, if I could get there, I knew I’d be OK. (Or at least I’d be able to convince myself that I was, regardless of whether I actually felt it.) Now that Kim is also gone, it’s more difficult…nigh on impossible in fact. I vehemently dislike being the only one to pull myself out of these funks. So, if you’re reading this, and you’re one of those I lean on…I’m sorry, but I’m likely to continue leaning for a while.
I keep reminding myself that ‘This too will pass’, but that’s lost all meaning. Words are just words, although as a writer I know their power. It’s weird what this time of year does to me, and the more I feel it, the more I want it to stop. I just don’t quite know how – at least I’ve made the first step. Now I just have to hang in there ’til the 15th, and know that I will get there, and it will be OK. I can tell myself all this, and see what it does.
I have a shaken sense of faith, but deep down I know that this won’t always be the case at Easter. I will know, but I won’t always feel so acutely.
Today I’m linking up with Jana’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday. This was my post.
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
- Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
- Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
- Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post (above)
- Link up your post here.
- Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.