Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Spent


SOCSunday-janasthinkingplace250

 

 

Today, I feel spent. There’s so much to say, and yet there’s nothing that will come. This is what Easter does, and has done for the past six years. I can’t help but wonder when this will lift. I try to kid myself that I have control, but really it feels the other way around. These surges of grief just keep coming, and every year it seems to start earlier. The average period of time I’m ‘down’ for is six weeks, beginning at the beginning of March, and lasting til the 15th of April or so.

In the past, the 15th of April was a kind of goal date, if I could get there, I knew I’d be OK. (Or at least I’d be able to convince myself that I was, regardless of whether I actually felt it.) Now that Kim is also gone, it’s more difficult…nigh on impossible in fact. I vehemently dislike being the only one to pull myself out of these funks. So, if you’re reading this, and you’re one of those I lean on…I’m sorry, but I’m likely to continue leaning for a while.

I keep reminding myself that ‘This too will pass’, but that’s lost all meaning. Words are just words, although as a writer I know their power. It’s weird what this time of year does to me, and the more I feel it, the more I want it to stop. I just don’t quite know how – at least I’ve made the first step. Now I just have to hang in there ’til the 15th, and know that I will get there, and it will be OK. I can tell myself all this, and see what it does.

I have a shaken sense of faith, but deep down I know that this won’t always be the case at Easter. I will know, but I won’t always feel so acutely.

Today I’m linking up with Jana’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday. This was my post. 

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post (above)
  • Link up your post here.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
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6 Responses to Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Spent

  1. Sending love during this time of leaning…

  2. Jules says:

    Wandering by from SOCS …

    I haven’t read your story, yet. But I would like to send love and peace your way. Blessings.

  3. What usually helps me is music and singing out loud, or reading the Bible out loud. My thoughts can’t override my voice, so this seems to help me, not think about the pain. Sending love and prayers your way. Lean on me! 😉

  4. Dawn Sievers says:

    I’m finally catching up with you from yesterday, Casey, so please forgive the small delay. I just finished reading your Welcome page that explains the concept of your blog. My goodness, what a lovely tribute you offer, for one thing. For another, I find it beyond serendipity that you read my blog post and commented, given that I, too, was writing about loss.

    My post on my blog shared a similar limbo stage. I do understand the whirling thoughts and the lack of entropy, where we feel we could park a drinking glass in mid-air and it would hang suspended there, indefinitely. That is how my spirit felt for much of the last nine months since my cousin’s passing. Suspended, indefinitely. We are changed forever when we lose loved ones. The task from that point forward is to find a way to continue living within the clothing of those changes, because it takes time to adapt to how we inhabit our bodies, once the physical presence of those loved ones have ceased. You’re doing good, honey. You’re consciously aware of this processing, and your emotional and mental state. You’re not walking alone, either. I’m happy to extend a hand to hold, should you need it. 🙂

    Namaste’,

    – Dawn
    (Since I have to use FB to log into WP blogs, here’s my blog link, so you’ll recognize who I am! http://healingmorning.blogspot.com) 🙂

    • Casey B says:

      Dear Dawn,

      Thank you. I am beyond grateful that you chose to come and visit, knowing that this topic may touch a nerve with you. I like the way you put that: ‘The task from that point forward is to find a way to continue living within the clothing of those changes…’ Exactly. I am still trying to process, because Kim’s death in particular feels like a two finger gesture, although it wasn’t. I deeply appreciate your encouragement, my friend. Thank you also for following the blog, and coming along for the ride. Hopefully, I won’t need to lean on you as well, as I do so many others, but I very much appreciate the offer.

      Take care, dear friend.

      Namaste,

      Casey

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