I hope this post finds you well. I’m well as can be at the moment, with the constant threat of distraction by waves of grief. The thing is now, they’re not even waves. It’s more like being shrouded in it. I’ve been here so long that I’m starting to get tired of it, but I don’t have the guts to make the change on my own.
A change has to come, though. There’s only so much time I can spend in this state without wondering how I got here, and how the hell I’m supposed to get out again. It comes earlier and earlier, and seems to last about six weeks. So, I do anything I can – listen to music, play music, write poetry, just to drown out those thoughts.
It’s just the knowing, the sense that it was this time six years ago. Then the sense of ‘how can it be six years?’ That’s the thing about time – it passes. I can move as far away from it as I like chronologically, but until I allow myself to go into it, nothing will change.
As I search for the strength to face my own feelings, I wish every one of you reading this the same. Those of us who are on this journey need to gradually gain the strength to listen to ourselves and what we are feeling. It’s all about having the guts to face this, and knowing that somewhere down the line, it will improve.
I’m not sure whether that last paragraph was just me talking to myself. It feels like that most of the time now – most of my writing is more for me than anybody else. I share it primarily to let people know I’m still functioning. Eleven days ’til Easter, then two weeks and back to it. I have to say I’m looking forward to the distraction.
One day, I hope I won’t need to distract myself to get through this time. I could live with the knowing, but it’s the feeling that is tough to deal with.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,