I hope this post finds you well. I’m in my usual state of readiness for Easter, but somehow I know I feel better this year than I perhaps have done in earlier years. ‘Better’ is a strange concept, however, because it means something different in this context.
At some point, I would like to break this cycle of feeling awful for six weeks a year. I’m not sure I mean ‘feeling awful’ in the way that it sounds, but there’s a definite disconnect between my physical body and my mind at this time of year. I can be anywhere, and if my mind wanders, that’s where it’ll go.
Still, I had an interesting experience yesterday. Any other song would have been pure coincidence, but as I stood getting a cup of tea at university, I heard a familiar song.
It took me a couple of seconds to work it out, but the guitar and harmonica parts are unmistakable. Neil Young’s ‘Heart of Gold‘ was playing softly in the background.
Perhaps it’s just me projecting importance onto coincidental things, but it was also a first.
Of course, for whatever reason, I’ve not really been that open to signs from Kim. The way I still feel towards her has prevented me from seeing signs in the usual way.
However, I would like to believe that it wasn’t just a coincidence. ‘Heart of Gold’ was the last song to which I prepared a guitar lesson for Kim. Although I still have a long way to go with that experience, and I’m not certain I will be able to think of Kim in the same way, I think noticing and welcoming these little signs might be a good start.
If anything, it will be a step towards resolving my conflicting feelings towards Kim. On one hand, I still feel anger towards her, but on the other, I would like to recognise and honour the role she played in my life, by allowing me to be myself and grieve. That’s a rare combination, and one for which I was very grateful.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,