A second new beginning

Hello, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. I hesitate to talk of turning points, because they seem to be temporary for me. However, Tuesday certainly felt like one. Making the choice to seek help (again) will be the incentive I need to readjust my priorities.

My aim is to lessen the impact that my grief for Kim has on my free moments. As I remarked to the counsellor, ‘A quiet mind doesn’t seem to exist for me. When I stop thinking about anything else, I go back to that.’

‘Carl Jung, with whom you may be familiar,  said that what is repressed comes out in a distorted form.’

Hearing that was an immediate ‘Ah, I’m in the right place.’ I was very relieved to find myself in the company of a Freudian and Jungian scholar. I will be able to appreciate the experience better through that mode of thinking, I hope. The other bonus was that there were no platitudes, just the practicalities of my talking and his listening, and vice versa.

I mentioned that my primary mode of expressing this seems to be anger, but that I also prefer to ‘analyse something to death, then when I think about this, the emotion comes in and rises in my throat, and I can’t let it out.’

I can’t remember it exactly, because it was a couple of days ago, but his response was something like: ‘That’s because you haven’t desensitized yourself to it yet. If you were scared of lifts, for example, because you’d once got stuck in one, you would begin to overcome it by first wedging the door open with a bit of wood perhaps, or maybe you’d go in one of those lift cages, so you didn’t feel enclosed. It’s a similar process, you need to take each part out and look at it.’

I am also very fortunate to have found somebody who understands the nature of online friendships and connections. I’ll admit, this is probably an unusual situation for him to be assisting with, but I recognise that I am blessed. It is a true gift to be able to find somebody who can help on this journey.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,




About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Grief Loss and Bereavement and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to A second new beginning

  1. t says:

    And peace on your journey, Casey – your off to a good start.

  2. Tara_Windwalker says:

    I’m glad you found someone that you can relate to and someone that you can learn from. You have researched and practiced what you found, so no one can say you aren’t trying to overcome your obstacles. And, you are eager to learn. I’m eager to learn with you. I hope you share what you can.

    I’ve recently found that there are new technologies for PTSD and panic attacks using an android phone that has NFC technology. The Apps are free or cost little. I’m hoping to get a phone or tablet in March that has the combined android and NFC technology.

    I’ve learned the importance of “know thyself: so that I can detect when a symptom is occurring; learning new or old techniques; being alert (Mindful) so that I can put “tools” and therapy-techniques into effect, as soon as possible, to ward off a deeper problem, and to practice and practice techniques so that when I need them, they will come to mind.

    When I first sought help for panic attacks, I thought I would never be able to detect a forewarning symptom. I thought they happened too fast. It took me awhile but I finally caught on and then I was able to put the tools I had learned into effect, more quickly. I used to carry around little signs telling me what to do, until I memorized them. I used to wear a thin rubber band to snap on my wrist. The “snap” of the rubber band snapped me into the “Now” and I could begin to change what was happening to me. Now, I use my thumb nail and press it into the skin. I rarely break the skin and have left no permanent marks on my hand from doing it. If I feel dissociation or panic coming on, I press first then go one to the other tools that might be required.

    The couple of times I’ve broken the skin, I should have stopped pressing the nail to my skin and used my legs to get away from the situation. I’m trying to learn from this. I seem to not want to give myself … I’m not sure what it is called … maybe it is a type of Grace. I haven’t allowed myself the grace to leave a toxic situation, or say “I’ll get back to you.” I will learn it, one day.

    President Kennedy had terrible back pains when his muscles cramped. His Doctor invented what is used by Chiropractors and others, today. She put rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle and sprayed the tight muscles. That instant cold effect broke the cycle of the gripping muscles. She then could go on to do whatever else was required to relax his muscles. That same principle is what we have to learn to do for ourselves to break the cycle of whatever is trying to set in us: panic, grief, depression, etc.

    However, with all this said, Grief and Lack-of-Self Worth seem to be made of so many variables that they are difficult to stop when I feel them starting. They don’t seem to be effected by distraction. I think they go deeper and, more fully, into the mind/body/spirit than depression.

    Why is my level of Depression labelled, but not my level of Grief and/or Lack of Self Worth? Maybe Grief and Lack of Self Worth are felt by me so strongly because they are the main causes of my Depression. I often wonder why therapists don’t make a chart (a visible diagram) of what clearly are the things that stop me from functioning properly. Well, maybe, I need to make my own Chart and bring it to them … That’s a “know thyself” a-ha moment, I think.

    I’m proud of you, Casey B. I look forward to whatever you share with us next. hugs

    • Casey B says:

      Bless you, my friend. ‘No one can say you aren’t trying to overcome your obstacles’. Thank you for giving me ammunition with which to fight my inner critic. I needed that. I shall share as much as I am comfortable with here. 🙂

      Take care,


  3. You are definitely blessed, to find someone who understands and will help. Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s