I hope this post finds you well. I hesitate to talk of turning points, because they seem to be temporary for me. However, Tuesday certainly felt like one. Making the choice to seek help (again) will be the incentive I need to readjust my priorities.
My aim is to lessen the impact that my grief for Kim has on my free moments. As I remarked to the counsellor, ‘A quiet mind doesn’t seem to exist for me. When I stop thinking about anything else, I go back to that.’
‘Carl Jung, with whom you may be familiar, said that what is repressed comes out in a distorted form.’
Hearing that was an immediate ‘Ah, I’m in the right place.’ I was very relieved to find myself in the company of a Freudian and Jungian scholar. I will be able to appreciate the experience better through that mode of thinking, I hope. The other bonus was that there were no platitudes, just the practicalities of my talking and his listening, and vice versa.
I mentioned that my primary mode of expressing this seems to be anger, but that I also prefer to ‘analyse something to death, then when I think about this, the emotion comes in and rises in my throat, and I can’t let it out.’
I can’t remember it exactly, because it was a couple of days ago, but his response was something like: ‘That’s because you haven’t desensitized yourself to it yet. If you were scared of lifts, for example, because you’d once got stuck in one, you would begin to overcome it by first wedging the door open with a bit of wood perhaps, or maybe you’d go in one of those lift cages, so you didn’t feel enclosed. It’s a similar process, you need to take each part out and look at it.’
I am also very fortunate to have found somebody who understands the nature of online friendships and connections. I’ll admit, this is probably an unusual situation for him to be assisting with, but I recognise that I am blessed. It is a true gift to be able to find somebody who can help on this journey.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,