Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Getting ‘there’

Stream of Consciousness Sunday goes promptless again this week, and Jana has invited us to link our favourite posts of the week. I’ve written fresh, but not in five minutes. 🙂 




Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. I apologise in advance for what will probably be a bit of a ramble, this post is fresh from my head. Now that I have begun to turn my attention to actually allowing myself to grieve for Kim, I have met some unforeseen obstacles.

The main problem seems to be that I don’t have any idea what the end point is going to be with this. Very soon after Chris’ passing, I came to realise that there would be a time where the ache would lessen and I would be able to think of her with a smile rather than  sadness.

Everything on the ever-growing diagram seems to point to an ultimate ‘destination’ of forgiving Kim. I am not sure what that will take, because it’s not as if there is something I can understand, let go of and say ‘I know why it happened, now I can let it go.’

My reluctance to sit with the emotion can’t be helping. I must admit to myself that I still have some work to do in that area. There is so much that I haven’t allowed myself to feel yet. Early on, it seemed that the most sensible thing to do was build a wall around it, shut that door and walk away. Now I have realised that whilst that is emotionally safer, practically, it’s not a solution.

I must work out what my aim is in terms of this grieving process. It seems that it is different from other experiences I have had. With the other occasions, there was a resolution inherent in the experience of the loss. I grieved, and allowed myself to do that, then accepted what was and continued on with  my memories.

Now, there is no resolution inherent in this experience, because it’s so open-ended. There are questions that simply cannot be answered to my satisfaction or anybody else’s. It’s a lofty goal, but I need to accept that I will not understand. There will be questions that I will need to let go of, and I need to find some way to rob the medical memories of their power.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,



About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Grief Loss and Bereavement and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Getting ‘there’

  1. catecumen says:

    Even though Kim’s death was not technically a suicide, because it was the result of self-destructive behavior, this kind of grief is complicated in the same way as suicide grief. I can only compare this to the difference between the feelings I have about the death of my friend Lois, who fought hard for her life which was ultimately taken by cystic fibrosis, as compared to my feelings about the deaths of Krystle and Wayne. Remembering Lois is more sweet than bitter, and I am able to celebrate what a wonderful person she was. It is more difficult to be at peace with a self-inflicted death. Yes, there will always be questions that remain unanswered. The only closure that I expect to achieve is through various actions that I can take to honor my friends: writing, celebrating their lives online, and helping others in their memory. I often fantasize about time travel, but if I had a time machine, I would probably be running from incident to incident, “saving” my friend once, only to have to travel in time once more, and another time, to do it again. People do self-destruct sometimes and we can’t stop them. But it still matters that we loved and that we tried to help. At least I tell myself that it does.

    • Casey B says:

      Dear Ellen,

      Thank you so very much for your kind comment. I appreciate every word you have written, and shall take this to heart and use it to ease my way. 🙂

      Take care,


  2. I am sorry for your pain. Hopefully you will gain more peace with time.

    • Casey B says:

      Hi, Jamie.

      Thank you very much for your kind comment. I hope I will gain some peace with it, although I am not sure what form that will take. I have to hang on to the hope that it will happen.

      Take care,


      On Sun, Jan 27, 2013 at 8:43 PM, Navigating Cyberloss: a place to share

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