I hope this post finds you well. Over the past few weeks in the blogosphere, I have read posts by others in which they have remarked on the words they have chosen to focus on this year.
Although I make an annual post on the subject of New Year’s resolutions, I am not very good at sticking to them. My life is a constant resolution to do the best I can with the energy and emotional resources I have. Lately, it’s more of a challenge, because I am on the edge of finally allowing myself to grieve Kim’s death. I was so busy at the time that it happened, particularly with recording my song for Chris, that I didn’t allow myself to feel the associated emotion.
As with every loss I have experienced, I can see a pattern with this. I am so close to actually being able to deal with it, and yet part of me just wants to shut the door on it. The rational part of me knows that it would be a shame to do that, having come so far.
So, with all of this in the background, I chose my words for 2013. I first shared these on Nancy’s blog, as her post prompted me to consider this. Here, I will expand upon what the three words I have chosen mean to me and my journey.
I must release my sense of self-blame for becoming involved in Kim’s life. I could not have known that what came to pass would happen. Also, there was nothing I could have done to change the course of events. It is ‘just’ a case of learning that as an emotional truth, rather than exclusively intellectual.
Further to this, I must allow myself to recover from the experience of Kim’s death. Although we were on different continents, the nature of her illness and frequent medical crises affected me deeply. So, I cling to anger which is not anger. That which I express as anger, because I am more comfortable with it in that form, is actually sadness. I am slowly coming to realise this, because thoughts of Kim still lead to physical pain. Whether I am conscious of it or not, I have experienced a loss, which I must allow myself to grieve and recover from.
Ultimately, I must embrace the sense of freedom that will come from allowing myself to release and recover.
If you would like to, please feel free to share words or thoughts that will guide you through 2013 in the comments.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,