I hope this post finds you well. Following Tuesday’s anniversary, I have thrown myself into grief work. Only by looking at what I had written on the A3 pages did I realise that I haven’t really dealt with my grief over Kim yet.
It manifests as anger because I know what to do with that. By its very nature, anger is transitory, and will come and go. My perception of sadness is that it tends to come and stick around. Early on, I’d convinced myself that there was no emotion left…whatever that means. Clearly some emotion remains, otherwise I wouldn’t return to it nearly as often as I do.
I have misgivings about sadness. I am used to it in a Chris-related context, but that’s more a longing for what was to return. There is evidently some sadness which remains over Kim’s death, but the root of that is more difficult to find. (I am more comfortable now with emotions that I can analyse and trace to their root cause.)
Sadness for Kim is more a sense of ‘What a waste’. To my mind, she had a lot to live for. I also realise that may be a selfish thing to say, because of the role she had in my life. She was a major source of support after Chris passed away. Even when I was berating myself for feeling the way I felt, she made me realise that it was OK.
On the other hand, I know that there is a certain level on which I will never be able to comprehend what drove her to that extreme. The kind of love she had for her fiancé Jon has to be experienced to be truly understood. I guess I am grieving my inability to understand, as well as her death. Although I have done some research (and mainly come up with alarming statistics) I don’t particularly feel equipped to grieve something I can’t comprehend.
With Chris, it was easier to understand. Although I resisted at first, understanding came a little later when I began to read about breast cancer and how it can spread. Understanding brought peace, and so I assume it would be this time, if I could only get there.
Instead, I find myself up against a wall. I know what I need to allow myself to do, but doing it is a completely different matter. Apologies for the ramble.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,