Facing and resisting


Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Following Tuesday’s anniversary, I have thrown myself into  grief work. Only by looking at what I had written on the A3 pages did I realise that I haven’t really dealt with my grief over Kim yet.

It manifests as anger because I know what to do with that. By its very nature, anger is transitory, and will come and go. My perception of sadness is that it tends to come and stick around. Early on, I’d convinced myself that there was no emotion left…whatever that means. Clearly some emotion remains, otherwise I wouldn’t return to it nearly as often as I do.

I have misgivings about sadness. I am used to it in a Chris-related context, but that’s more a longing for what was to return. There is evidently some sadness which remains over Kim’s death, but the root of that is more difficult to find. (I am more comfortable now with emotions that I can analyse and trace to their root cause.)

Sadness for Kim is more a sense of ‘What a waste’. To my mind, she had a lot to live for. I also realise that may be a selfish thing to say, because of the role she had in my life. She was a major source of support after Chris passed away. Even when I was berating myself for feeling the way I felt, she made me realise that it was OK.

On the other hand, I know that there is a certain level on which I will never be able to comprehend what drove her to that extreme. The kind of love she had for her fiancé Jon  has to be experienced to be truly understood. I guess I am grieving my inability to understand, as well as her death. Although I have done some research (and mainly come up with alarming statistics) I don’t particularly feel equipped to grieve something I can’t comprehend.

With Chris, it was easier to understand. Although I resisted at first, understanding came a little later when I began to read about breast cancer and how it can spread. Understanding brought peace, and so I assume it would be this time, if I could only get there.

Instead, I find myself up against a wall. I know what I need to allow myself to do, but doing it is a completely different matter. Apologies for the ramble.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

ncblogsig

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Grief Loss and Bereavement and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Facing and resisting

  1. I so hear your pain in your words, Casey, and wish I could give you some comfort. You are blessed in being able to analyze and express your thoughts and feelings – just writing them out, even if it must be repeatedly, may help you to walk through the grief stages in a way which will help you to heal.
    God bless you!

    • Casey B says:

      Dear Martha,

      Thank you so much for your kind and insightful comment. It is comfort enough to know that you and others are with me as I walk this path.

      Take care, and God bless.

      Casey

      On Sun, Jan 20, 2013 at 6:31 PM, Navigating Cyberloss: a place to share

  2. Bongo says:

    Awwwww.. I so get this… if you have done your research which it seems you have.. you will then know there is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit… I think it’s great you can write it out.. that is the best therapy… please know you are NEVER alone … As always…XOXOXOXO

    • Casey B says:

      Thanks, Bonnie.

      It is a gift to be able to share this experience with those who understand. I am honoured that you would remind me that I’m never on my own in this. Sometimes it feels that way, then I have to drag myself out by the scruff of my neck. 🙂

      Take care,

      Casey

  3. catecumen says:

    Thank you for sharing this post. It has inspired me to work on some of my own emotions about resisting the reality of death and the inevitable feelings of sadness and anger.

    • Casey B says:

      Thank you for reading, Ellen.

      It means a lot that you are willing to share this journey with me. I wish you peace as you work through these things. Know that I will be around, if you need to talk.

      Take care,

      Casey

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