I hope this post finds you well. Once again this week, I was struck by how long a shadow anniversaries can still cast. Intellectually and emotionally, I would like to believe I am detached from what happened to Kim. The bodily knowing doesn’t let me detach, however.
Of course, it’s more likely to be a combination of things at the moment than ‘simple’ anniversary grief. My current uncertainty over where Chris now rests (this was the final bombshell of 2012) has reawakened some old feelings, and I have to deal with them as well as this anniversary.
If it were just the anniversary, I can’t help but feel that it might be easier to handle. I’m used to anniversaries by now, after all. Repetition breeds a sort of familiarity, so that I know even as it’s settling what that feeling in my chest is.
Dealing with it brings its own challenges. So, rather than making any grand declarations about this year being a year of growth and change, I intend to simply acknowledge it if it arises, and if it doesn’t I shall be grateful.
I usually refer to honouring grief, but I don’t think there is anything particularly honourable in the way I have grieved for Kim. (Either becoming angry or straight up refusing to acknowledge it.) I hope that I can find a point on Tuesday where I have a ‘goal’ for what I want to achieve with my feeling of loss for Kim.
I recognise that I will continue to grieve the two losses differently, because my relationship with both friends was different. Up to this point, I had reached a place of peace in my journey with the loss of Chris. I’m not sure what my place of peace with losing Kim will look or feel like, but maybe that’s what I need to ponder.
I’d be very interested to read other people’s strategies for dealing with these anniversaries. Please feel free to share some of yours in the comments.
Thank you all for bearing with me as I work this out.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,