This week has been a tremendous experience. I’m slowly learning to look at all this again through a different lens. I’ve filled my spare time with spiritual practices and spiritual things, and grace and peace seem to be making their way back into my life.
I hadn’t really thought about spiritual things in nearly two years, pausing occasionally to rail against the deity I believed was on some level responsible for Kim’s demise, but I’ve realised that my ‘decision’ to deny the existence of God in my life was costly.
Fortunately, I’m rediscovering being truly happy and joyful. The usual means are open to me, music, writing, etc. plus chanting. It’s a privilege to be able to look at the experience from the other side now. I’m still prone to wondering why on occasion, but I can detach from it on some level now.
Allowing spirituality back into my life has been instrumental in allowing happiness back into it. I generally enjoy life a lot more now, since learning to think differently about what happened. As I said last week, I still have much to forgive in terms of the way Kim left her body, but I think that will be an easier process now.
Another plus of finding spirituality for me has been the fact that the space between my conscious thoughts is filled with peace, rather than running that situation through my mind over and over. There’s only so much thinking it’s possible to do about a situation which can’t be changed, and yet I spent most of my time pondering that one.
Approaching life in a slightly different way has led to my approaching grief in a different way. I can allow myself to feel, but not allow it to take over, which is a gift. The impact this new approach will have on my feelings around Easter remains to be seen, but I can only hope that this process of growing through grief and finding joy will continue.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,