I’ve written before about those moments when life and grief collide. Made it through another one yesterday. Somehow, I didn’t expect a lecture on an eighteenth century novel to turn into a discussion of breast cancer in the period. (I wasn’t even aware that there was an understanding, let alone that they were performing mastectomies…)
Certainly knocked me for six, although I’ve been able to emerge from the heaviness. Finally warmed up about three hours after the lecture, which I have to admit was a new development. Even the worst moments grieving Kim’s passing didn’t cause me to freeze.
I feel I should know by now that each and every grief experience is very much a case of ‘different strokes for diff’rent folks’. Hardly stops it being any less maddening when it comes and trips you up in day-to-day life, though.
I’m working on other elements of this grief experience, in the hope that I can achieve a similarly even-minded state about Kim as I already have about Chris. The difference between these two experiences is the amount of forgiving I have to do. With Chris, there was nothing to forgive. I cannot say the same for Kim…it is a slow process, but I really want to be able to forgive everything…and everyone, come to that.
I continue to hold a lot of useless anger, but letting go of that is proving difficult. Much of the time, I prefer to let that be, rather than jumping into the lion’s den. Perhaps it’s time I did (jump in, I mean). Maybe it’s the only way I can truly be free of it? Having come back to faith, it seems only right that I should return to a spiritual practice.
We’ll see what happens. For now, I think I’ll just take it slowly and easily, and do my best to trust in God, whatever name you like to call him by. At the moment, nothing beats the joy that flows through me when listening to the devotional music of Krishna Das. (On this video, the music begins at 5 minutes 20 seconds in, but I would strongly recommend listening to the whole thing if you can. He’s a great raconteur.)
What brings light to your life in spite of grief? Please feel free to leave a comment and share your joy.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,