It’s funny, but not in the humorous sense, that I’m finally able to find the words I should have had all along. Eighteen months or so after Kim’s ‘untimely’ passing, I am able to move beyond the anger I felt at the beginning, and offer a tribute in the heartfelt sense.
Although I hate the way she died (and still have issues with the American healthcare system because of that) I realise that I have been remiss in not recognising what she actually gave me as a friend.
Through our email exchanges, I found a certain peace with what had happened to Chris. Yes, it was fleeting, but it always is. Finding true peace with loss is something that takes a lifetime, in my view. Kim helped me to see that what George had said was true: ‘It’s not always gonna be this grey.’
She introduced me to her other favourite music: Gary Allan, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban. Songs I’d never heard before I knew her quickly became my favourites. Of all the songs we shared, however, there was one that was particularly special. The Fleetwood Mac song ‘Never Going Back Again’ became like currency to us. We’d pass it back and forth over the Internet, always seeming to sense when the other needed it. Once, I sent it to her and got a guitar tutorial video back. Her way of saying ‘You’re good. You can play this.’ Nearly two years after her passing, I’ve tried many times, and I still can’t.
Perhaps the most endearing thing of all about Kim was the fact that she never once said that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I felt. I often received YouTube videos from her of sad songs, with the caution ‘Don’t cry’- I don’t think she was joking, but it was always a release to listen to them and let it go.
Kim’s passing left me in a state that I’m only just beginning to emerge from. I never thought it was possible to feel such anger that it would eclipse all the love. Finally, though, the red mist seems to be dispersing. I can remember more of the positive things than all of the difficult and harrowing moments. I may not have been able to show how grateful I was to have Kim in my life, but now I recognise what I had back then. I’m truly sorry that I let the anger cloud everything, but I had to work through it before I could manage anything else. Apologies for the length of this post, just had to get it out.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,