Looking back to find gratitude

Hi, friends.

I apologise for the lateness of this post. I wasn’t sure there would be a post today, but this came to me, so I’m going with it. Lately, I’ve been thinking about Kim more…and also more charitably.

The circumstances brought me to a place where it was very difficult to think charitably or even clearly about her as a person, because I had been so wrapped up in the perceived unfairness of her passing.

It definitely wasn’t fair, but I’m slowly realising that through our friendship, Kim gave me the tools I need to deal with this. The music that we shared comes from the heart, and covers those howls of anguish and triumphant cries.

Through this kind of positive thinking, I can see a shift in how I feel about Kim. It’s much the same as I often find myself saying about Chris. The circumstances of her death should not, do not, define the person/force she was in my life.

Regardless of all that, Kim was a source of support during one of the most challenging experiences of my life…I shouldn’t let any residual feelings about her passing cloud that. Without her support, I doubt I would have made the strides I did. I’m sorry I never told her about the blog, but it might not have been the best thing.

Of all the songs she left me with, there is one that has played an ongoing role in my journey, another Gary Allan track entitled ‘Learning How To Bend‘.

Still learning how to pray
Tryin’ harder not to stray
Try to see things your way
I’m still learning how to pray

Kim sent me that particular song along with ‘Life Ain’t Always Beautiful‘ around the anniversary, with the warning ‘Don’t cry’…I think she knew I would, maybe knew it would be good for me…I long for a similar release to happen now, but I know I can’t rush it.

What have you learned from online friendships, or looking back at them? Please feel free to share in the comments. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

blog signature - 'Casey B'

About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Grief Loss and Bereavement and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Looking back to find gratitude

  1. melissa says:

    I have learned the value of loving myself first ~ there’s an influx of info from the net, from friends ~ promotions, sharing, tweets, timelines and status.~ it could be exhausting to absorb everything…

    I’ve learned to give myself to others and to give time to myself as well…

    Reflecting on what I have just written ~ it was while I was giving time to myself when my friend committed suicide…I wanted to say I was just right here, why didn’t you call me?

    It’s one of the things only God could answer for me…of the many whys I ask…

    But yes, I do look back with gratitude for the friendship we’ve shared…

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

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