What is the meaning of this? Cyberloss and closure

Hi, friends.

I came across this on Friday, thanks to Cath Duncan of Remembering for Good. She linked to Nancy Berns’ talk ‘Beyond Closure‘ in her newsletter, and it really resonated with me. Briefly, Nancy Berns believes that joy and grief can coexist. An odd idea, perhaps, but comforting, I think.

After watching Nancy’s whole talk (seventeen minutes in all) I began to think about closure as it relates to our type of loss. Because society doesn’t quite understand just yet, we are forced into a position where we cannot discuss our online friends’ deaths, or their lives.

Of course, that isn’t fair to us…so we strive for closure, without knowing that’s what we’re going for. Some might need to know that everything is in order, they know where all of the conversations are, not a single thing out-of-place. Others might feel the need to know every detail about the passing. (I’ve experienced both of those)

There’s freedom in realising that closure doesn’t exist – we can learn to live together with our pain. That, to me, is the heart of Nancy’s message. As a result of watching her talk, I have renewed my commitment to let go of needing to know every detail, because that’s ultimately not going to help. I’ll know everything, and create a whole load of stumbling blocks that will need more help to get through or over. I like the idea of letting go, accepting whatever comes and living fully again. That’s my commitment, and that’s my tribute to Chris. I’d be interested to read about what closure means to you- do you think it can happen? (I’m not talking about forgetting, rather coming to peace with events…or whatever you may define closure as.)

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

blog signature - 'Casey B'

About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Grief Loss and Bereavement and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to What is the meaning of this? Cyberloss and closure

  1. melissa says:

    Today I read a letter that a friend wrote me… as much as I thought he was aiming for closure ~ I guess, t would still take much more time on his part as well as his family.

    Perhaps peace is so far away at the moment for them and so we pray continuously each day that they may receive this grace…

    You are right that closure doesn’t mean ‘forgetting’ . I guess it;s more of coming to terms with one’s self and what one wishes to be at the loss of such a loved one.

    You are doing a great job and I am very grateful that you are accompanying us along in our journey towards that. God bless!

    • Casey B says:

      Thanks, Mel.

      I very much appreciate your company on this journey. ‘coming to terms with oneself, and what one wishes to be at the loss of such a loved one’- great definition which turns what may be perceived as a negative into a positive. It could be said that the entire process of coming to terms with loss is one of transformation. Eventually, of course, the hope is that we come to terms with it and are able to carry both the memories that aren’t so good, and those we’d like to keep…making sure that there is a place for the person who has been so dearly loved in our present life, even though they’re no longer physically present.

      God bless,


  2. Jessica says:

    This was a very important post because it approaches a situation that, at one point another, effects us all who blog and network online. There have been two losses that I’ve found myself effected over in our blogging community and you’re right..there’s really no closure. It’s difficult because we do get familiar and even very close to those we correspond with. Many of us end up chatting on Skype, some even visit one another offline eventually. When someone passes in our communities it is felt. Thanks for approaching this topic.

    Many blessings,


    • Casey B says:

      Thank you for reading, Jessica. The scope of this issue is large, and yet it’s worryingly under-discussed in my view. The closeness of online friendships shouldn’t be so neglected, in my opinion…which is part of the reason why I do this. 🙂



  3. Hi, Casey! ~

    Yes — “joy and grief can coexist” and, perhaps that is at the heart of understanding Life…

    I’ve often heard people talk about ‘closure’, but I found myself wondering what it really means so I looked it up on The Free Dictionary:

    1. The act of closing or the state of being closed: closure of an incision.
    2. Something that closes or shuts.
    a. A bringing to an end; a conclusion: finally brought the project to closure.
    b. A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.
    4. See cloture.
    5. The property of being mathematically closed.

    I guess I don’t see that any part of this definition would appeal to me in dealing with the death of a loved one. Certainly, we don’t want to feel unbearable pain for the rest of our lives. But, how do you ‘shut the door’ on something like that?

    I believe you were closer to the Truth in the first place by suggesting a way of Life that embraces the bitter-sweetness of joy mixed with grief. XOXOXOXO

    • Casey B says:

      Hi, Linda.

      Thanks for your reply to my comment on your post, and thanks for popping over here. I appreciate the thought you’ve put into your comment. You’re right- none of those ideas appeal in terms of a definition of ‘closure’, besides, we can’t just shut the door on something that’s affected us so profoundly as loss often does. ‘Embracing the bitter-sweetness of joy mixed with grief’ is at the heart of everything. Our joys and griefs are what make us human. Sharing them makes us friends.

      Take care,


  4. Casey, I think you have made the smart decision to let go; not forgetting Chris by any means, but living the life you have fully. I know she would want you to do this.
    Blessings to you!

    • Casey B says:

      Thanks, Martha.

      There’s a strange sense of freedom in this, realising that I’m not losing anything more by loosening my grip on the past. I have a mission here, and I have a chance to achieve something with my life otherwise. Would be a shame to hold myself back by getting caught up in the past.



  5. Casey, while like Linda, I’m a little allergic to the word closure, I do appreciate how far you’ve come on your journey. Chris will always be a part of you, but now I sense that you’re giving yourself the freedom to be joyful.

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

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