Fumbling my way through pre-Easter grief


I sometimes wonder whether I’ll ever get used to this. After all, it’s been nearly five years. I’d like to be able to think about Easter without profanity at some point, but I can’t say when that will happen. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past couple of days feeling strangely numb, as if I don’t really feel anything about this. I know that’s not true, though. I guess it’s self preservation…but I’d just like to be able to get through this without feeling like this at some point. Whatever your chosen euphemism, there’s only so much sweetening one can do with death and anniversaries. If all this is because I loved her, then I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. This is a very strange way of expressing love. The mandala’s progressing well, but very slowly. The section I drew today, commemorating Chris’ love of cooking, looks like something I might have produced at the age of five, but I know it’s not about perfectionism, it’s about showing how much I love her. I find a little comfort in this song:

Wishing you all peace and strength on your journeys,

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in anniversaries, anticipation, Chris, coping-with-grief, cyberloss and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Fumbling my way through pre-Easter grief

  1. amy says:

    I hope you find the peace you are looking for

  2. Mel says:

    I couldn’t stop fixating on these lines: “If all this is because I loved her, then I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. This is a very strange way of expressing love.” You just gave me a lot of food for thought.

    Sending peace of heart.

    • Casey B says:

      Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate your support, and your starting ICLW. I’m enjoying blogging my way through this month more than usual, because I know it’s reaching people.

      Happy ICLW, and thank you for dropping by.

      Casey

  3. Pingback: Equilibrium in cyberloss | Navigating Cyberloss: a place to share your grief

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