This just came to me, and I had to get it out. I’m not sure, but I think it’s a response to the inner voice that keeps telling me to get on with clearing out those emails. (I’m resisting it because I know it will be painful to go through them, but I don’t know how else I can do it.)
I don’t want this pain.
I don’t want every choice to be a conscious rejection of the darkness.
I want to be able to breathe, think of her and not hate.
I want to recognise that there was no such thing as choice.
I’ve always said ‘The head knows, the heart feels’,
But I want to be able to believe the same for her.
I want to be able to forgive her,
But I don’t know where to start.
I’d just rather it wasn’t such a clear-cut thing;
Every thought searing pain, no blurred line between twinge and agony.
My heart knows she didn’t intend it to be like this.
My head still doesn’t believe her.