Today’s got me in a spin. I’m trying to think about how I can be of use to myself, and to the fledgling Navigating Cyberloss community. I desperately want something to grow out of this experience, rather than it just being me picking up, dusting off and moving on. I want to be able to honour the people who brought me to this point.
Before doing that, though, I desperately need to come to terms with losing Kim. I need to recognise that there was no ‘choice’ in the way that I have thought of it for so long now, for the past three years. (The only reason I never had the courage to write that email…you probably know the one, or hopefully you don’t. An email which asked the question that I often wondered, but lacked the guts to pose. Why do it to yourself, why do it to us?) It takes so much effort to get out of this mode of thinking once I’m there that I simply try not to think about it. It’s hard work to hate somebody and love somebody at the same time. I didn’t realise how difficult it could be, but I didn’t really know that it was possible. It feels like I’m poking at a wound which won’t heal, but I don’t know how to come to an understanding. I don’t even know what I’m searching for any more. I sincerely hope those of you out there reading this aren’t as lost as I am.
Best wishes on your journeys,