I can’t believe the point I am at right now. You’d think I could just let it go, after recognising that it’s eating me. I’m trying to be vaguely brave, and resisting the urge to scream and howl. The question remains the same – the damn unanswerable question. Then the barrage of thoughts – ‘it was getting to the point where I couldn’t have taken much more anyway’, ‘what does it take to want to do that?’, etc. (When the first thought comes in, it leads fairly quickly to ‘But I didn’t want it to be this way.’)
I didn’t. None of us did. It was just…somewhere along the line, I guess, she must have made a choice, to the detriment of her health, because of the emotional element. (God, I’m over-analysing it again…’emotional element’- there’s bound to be some form of emotion when you lose the person you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with.)
Anyway, six weeks before it kicked off, I felt/saw it coming. She made some reference in a MySpace message to me on the 29th of November. ‘It’s taking over’. I don’t understand that…I still don’t understand that. Cancer takes over, maybe…I don’t know whether anorexia does in the same way. I desperately want to be able to understand it and forgive her, but I don’t know how I’m going to get there.
Best wishes to all on a grief journey,