“God I missed you,
Since you went away
‘You’re lookin’ well, or go to hell’
Might be what I’d say”
What I’d Say (Byrne/Robinson, 1988)
I’ve only just discovered this song, and I wish I’d discovered it sooner. That chorus just says it all – for more people than just myself, I think. ‘You’re looking well’ or ‘Go to hell!’ might be what I’d say…I know that applies to one person I’ve lost.
The song speaks to me of all the feelings I’ve had over the past eleven months. Can hardly believe that it’s nearly been a year we’ve been without her. (Mind you, I still can’t believe she chose that way out.) I know also that ‘choose’ isn’t the right word…but I’m honestly none the wiser about how it could not be a choice. On some level, the person must be conscious of the decision they’re making? I suppose it may not be the case, but I’d like to believe that she somehow knew what she was doing. Or maybe I wouldn’t…if she knew what she was doing, it means she meant to do it. ‘There’s times I’ve been so angry I could put my fist right through a wall’ – that’s been almost every day in various ways, but I’m getting a handle on it, I think…as long as I don’t think too much. If I think too much, as with Chris, I cannot function without thinking about the enormity of what I’ve experienced and what I lost when the two women died. Well, I lost more when Chris died, but when Kim went I lost my support mechanism, and that compounded everything – it was maybe ten times more difficult to get through the last anniversary, and I suppose next year’s hardly going to be any different. Still dreading the fifth anniversary. Don’t know how it can be here already – but I suppose time just passes.