‘You want love
But it’s never deep enough
You want life
But it’s never long enough
You want peace
Like it’s something you can buy
And you want time
But you’re content to watch it fly‘
(‘April 5th’ – Cash/Costello/Kristofferson, 2007)
Lately this song just reminds me of Kim.I read something today in a text I was supposed to read for university – it was a text about language and psychoanalysis, in which Jacques Lacan was quoted as having said about anorexia – ‘you give someone food, and they want love’. I skipped over the passage, but the song started playing in my head.
It’s pretty much been in my head since then, along with the realisation that it’s true. All the thoughts I’ve had over the past ten-ish months, they might also have contributed, but really, that was it. She wanted love – and specifically, Jon’s love.
Once he wasn’t here, she didn’t see the point. That’s the simple truth, and rendering it is helpful, though it still rips me to pieces, and I still feel everything I felt back along, everything about her friend’s child not getting the chance to know her on the physical level (and maybe not even on the spiritual – this has really done a number on my formerly strong faith, which Chris had a hand in forging, without even knowing it.)
I guess I’m not going to understand why, or how – I suppose that’s more the question. The why is the ‘love thing’, and the how is what I’m really asking, I guess, when I ask why. She’s the only person who would know that, and despite my best efforts to try to work it out over the years, I can’t say I ever did. I probably returned to that line of thinking hundreds, maybe thousands of times, both when she was hospitalised and when she came home. God knows I fought the urge to ask so much….I fought the urge to just write a short email…why are you doing this to yourself? But I knew that such an email would be the end of our friendship. So, I’m grateful that I never did it, but the question remains. The answer’ll be elusive ’til the day I get there – if ‘there’ even exists?
Wishing you the best on your walk through your grief,