The damn triggers just keep on coming. Walking around a garden centre, and I see urns designed for animal ashes with the words ‘In Loving Memory’ on the side, and end up going right around the display of ornaments to avoid eye contact with these things – no matter which way I turn, I can still see ’em.
Music has always been a mainstay of my being human, but just lately I can barely escape trigger songs. I was walking around a local tool shop yesterday when Sheryl Crow’s ‘Always On Your Side’ came on the radio.
It had never been that important a song between Kim and myself, but lyrically it really hit home that day:
Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
My demons and my angels reappear
Leavin’ only traces of the man you thought I’d be
Too afraid to hear the words I always feared
Leavin’ you with only questions all these years
Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I’m left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I’m always on your side
In truth, though, I’m not sure where I am with it, because it seems to suggest that she supports the person throughout what they have done…I’m not sure I always did. I remember feeling so damn angry, and still feel so angry, that she would ‘just’ die.
Browsing on YouTube I found another one – she always loved Rascal Flatts, and I came to appreciate their music through her. Their song ‘I Won’t Let Go’ speaks to me now, but I’m not sure I could honour that chorus with regard to Kim:
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
Here’s hoping that future music won’t hurt so much. I’m looking forward to that day.