This is well and truly a moment by moment process. For some reason, I felt I was strong enough to finally watch a video that one of Kim’s friends had made which was dedicated to her, and emailed to me by Kim’s mum.
Huge mistake. Now feels like it only happened yesterday…and I’ve somehow got that feeling of ‘gotta do something, now!’ back. Although there’s not a damn thing I can do. ‘Hope 2011’s gonna be a good one for you’ – thanks, mate. There have been moments of ‘good’, and moments of balance, but most of the time I’ve felt like I’m on a unicycle. (Rubbish analogy, I know, but it’s the only way I can think of to describe the unbalanced nature of what’s going on.)
Most of the time, I can get by without thinking of her, mainly because I choose not to spend my time thinking ‘You idiot! Why did you let it get that far?’ – yes, I’m still trapped in that. Wish to heck that there was some decent information available for friends of those who suffer from ED to help us understand, even though it’s no longer necessary for me, I would just like to be able to understand the ‘motivation’, if that’s the right word. What drives somebody to that?
I don’t know how close I think I’m gonna get to an answer by blogging about it, but if you’ve any insight, feel free to comment, or contact me.