What are you so afraid of?

What are you so afraid of? 

That’s the question that bugs me every time I let it in. I think about it more often than I should, because now a lot of time has passed since Chris died, and I have had plenty of time to do some processing and get to where I am today.

Weirdest thing of all is, I now keep hearing songs that threaten a full-blown meltdown. Listening to the Beatles radio show last Sunday (on her birthday) I heard Ringo Starr’s ‘Photograph‘ and found myself thinking ‘Any other day, I could manage this, any other day it would be fine.’ (Yes, that’s also a li-i-i-e…’cause I know that ‘any other day’ relates to any day when I feel strong enough to cope with it.) Last night, they played ‘In My Life‘ – again, a near meltdown moment for me –  there was something about that song in that moment, although that line ‘Some are dead and some are living/In my life, I’ve loved them all’ still manages to get me. (I’d forgotten about it when I first came to listen to the song after Chris’ passing.)

So, that question poses itself, as if it were from her. The truth is, I don’t know – what’s the worst that can happen if I let it in for a while, and tell it to shove off afterwards? It would be better than ‘Oh, dear…I think I’m going to end up wanting to cry over this.’

Because the question keeps coming up for me, and I think knowing an answer, even if it isn’t the whole answer, is beneficial for being able to move forward, I’m gonna pose it to you in the comments.

With regard to your grief – what are you so afraid of? 


About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Chris, coping-with-grief, flashbacks, grief, online-loss, triggers and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to What are you so afraid of?

  1. I’ve asked myself the same question and I think for me the answer in that letting in the grief means a loss of control that edges us a little too close to the idea of madness… but I think once you acknowledge that its easier to choose to let go the control and let the tears in once in a while.

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

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