What are you so afraid of?
That’s the question that bugs me every time I let it in. I think about it more often than I should, because now a lot of time has passed since Chris died, and I have had plenty of time to do some processing and get to where I am today.
Weirdest thing of all is, I now keep hearing songs that threaten a full-blown meltdown. Listening to the Beatles radio show last Sunday (on her birthday) I heard Ringo Starr’s ‘Photograph‘ and found myself thinking ‘Any other day, I could manage this, any other day it would be fine.’ (Yes, that’s also a li-i-i-e…’cause I know that ‘any other day’ relates to any day when I feel strong enough to cope with it.) Last night, they played ‘In My Life‘ – again, a near meltdown moment for me – there was something about that song in that moment, although that line ‘Some are dead and some are living/In my life, I’ve loved them all’ still manages to get me. (I’d forgotten about it when I first came to listen to the song after Chris’ passing.)
So, that question poses itself, as if it were from her. The truth is, I don’t know – what’s the worst that can happen if I let it in for a while, and tell it to shove off afterwards? It would be better than ‘Oh, dear…I think I’m going to end up wanting to cry over this.’
Because the question keeps coming up for me, and I think knowing an answer, even if it isn’t the whole answer, is beneficial for being able to move forward, I’m gonna pose it to you in the comments.
With regard to your grief – what are you so afraid of?