Ouch- got me again.

So, I sat down this afternoon to lay down a guitar track for the cover of ‘No Reply’ for Chris’ birthday. I’d planned, when I do the final recording, to have a picture of her in a convenient spot, so I can glance at it and maybe feel like she’s there as I’m doing it.

I didn’t do that today, because it’s just a dry run…which so very nearly wasn’t. I began to play it, and suddenly realised that it’s twice as fast as I’ve done it. For some weird reason, that was the point where I thought I was going to break down and cry! I can’t fathom any logical reason for that, other than the realisation that I’m doing this, but she’ll not be able to give any feedback on it. (Not saying she won’t hear it somehow…I’d still like to believe that wherever she is now, that’s possible.)

Four years later, moments like that one are less frequent, but I can’t help but feel that they probably shouldn’t happen at all? I know I need to be moving on now, so that I can think of her in a kind of happy way, you know, ‘think of me and smile’ rather than ‘think of me and grimace at the sharp pain in your chest.’ (wry laugh as I’m writing that!)

Much fun, anyway. Just got to remember that I have no option on this, I have to do it, and once again, her mantra will come in handy – “I won’t accept defeat!

Hopefully I’ll be able to pull myself together and have another crack at it in a couple of days.

‘Til next time,


About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in Chris, coping-with-grief, grief, ICLW, Music, triggers and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Ouch- got me again.

  1. Kristin says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself Casey. You said those moments are fewer and farther between. I bet there are moments when you think back with a wistful sweetness. The loss will never go away and there will always be moments when it hits hard. You just learn to deal with them. {{{Hugs}}}, prayers, and I KNOW you can do it and she’ll hear you.

  2. christelle says:

    Thanx for popping in!! Hang in there!! hugs!!!

  3. Casey – I pray that you find healing and closure for your loss.

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

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