Cruel parallels [warning: could offend/trigger]

I find myself thinking this morning about something I’ve usually managed to bat away. Even with Jeff Bridges’ “Fallin’ and Flyin'” playing in the background, the thoughts still crowd in.

I ought to explain myself. I heard of Kim’s passing a week after it happened, and heard from her for the last time six weeks before she died. Retrospectively, I recognise that there was a hint in that last message. She’d mentioned that a friend had carried her down the stairs to go to a hospital appointment, because she didn’t want to go. I understand that perfectly well, ’cause none of us want to go to a hospital. The cruel parallel here is that six weeks later, this same friend was a pallbearer. It’s one of those things that should never have had to be. Unfortunately, there are just thousands of those, it seems. I’ve taken to watching TV programmes about the human body in a futile attempt to try to understand what the heck might have happened. I can’t find any anorexia info that isn’t alarming statistics. Right now, it’s not all that helpful to know that it was statistically more likely to end up this way. Apparently a quarter of people affected by ED (the abbreviation universally used, not just covering anorexia, but used here by me to save myself having to write that word again) actually recover. Yes, they’re susceptible, but there’s some recovery to speak of. Somewhere within these emails that I still have to deal with, there are repeated references to her wanting to be well again. I find myself thinking sarcastically more than lovingly now, unfortunately: “Yeah, right- that happened!”

Guess I just have to go through it and come out the other side, again. Was easier last time, ’cause I can’t pin any responsibility on Chris for what happened to her. My natural instinct is to almost want to blame Kim for this, ’cause in a way, it was something she did.

It pains me to think as such, but it’s the only way I can right now. Thanks for riding this with me.


About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in coping-with-grief, grief, loss, triggers and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Cruel parallels [warning: could offend/trigger]

  1. Kristin says:

    I am so sorry to hear about Kim’s death and all the pain and grief you are experiencing because of it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    ICLW #6

  2. You’re not alone in trying to intellectualize a loss. It’s something your broken heart just wants to do naturally- reason, research, grasp for answers and explanation. Someday, a long time from now, you’ll notice that you can still think about Kim without the sharp pain that accompanies her memory. Eventually you’ll remember the good things with more clarity than the bad things. And you’ll forever keep her alive in your heart and in your brain, where she can live in peace and tickle you to smile on a beautiful day.

    • Casey B says:

      Wow…thank you, Poor Lucky Me.

      I’ve just read your story to get a better grasp of where you’re coming from, and I am so sorry for your loss. Tommy Jr. sounds like an amazing little boy. The last line of your comment really resonates with me. I have to get through this, and ask for that day to come every day. (Can’t do the prayer thing at the moment, God still seems very responsible from where I’m standing.)

      But you have given me hope, and that is a sacred thing, whether or not there’s a God.

      I’ll come back to your blog and keep up with your journey,


  3. Jill says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Hope that each day gets better.

  4. clare says:

    So sorry to hear about your friend. Understanding ED is extremely hard, especially for people watching friends go through it. So so heartbreaking.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and I hope to read more from you soon.

  5. C says:

    I’m very sorry to hear of your loss.


  6. missohkay says:

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend and I’m with you on the struggles with faith thing… I have the book you mentioned in your previous post but haven’t read it yet – I’ll have to give it a try.
    -ICLW #88

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