I’ve been really up and down lately – I guess it’s normal. Was thrilled last night when Higgins won the World Snooker Championship, but am more ‘balanced’ today than truly happy. It’s a kind of neither here nor there feeling- I’m not as down as I have been, but not as happy as I have been in the past, either. I suppose I’m still feeling the need to deal with the emails as soon as I can – but I know that ‘as soon as I can’ means there’ll come a time where I will think I can, and swiftly find out that I can’t – three years’ worth of emails is a lot to deal with, and particularly with the Russian roulette element of it…not knowing where the emails from when she was in hospital are, because I’ve completely blanked the dates from my memory. It’s like a more sedate form of madness, because I know exactly what’s happening – I’m a victim of my tendency to procrastinate when things like this absolutely need to be done, before I run the risk of losing all the emails. Luckily I’ve managed to stop myself logging into MySpace on a daily basis just to see whether the account has gone. (I don’t know what I’d do if I found that she’d deleted it, I just know that I seem to have a subconscious deadline of ‘when that has happened, you can begin to deal with the emails.’)
What about you? What are the bumps in your road with regard to this grief thing?