Funny (strange, not ha-ha) how I can slip so quickly from feeling OK into feeling six different kinds of odd. Tomorrow ought to be the day that I send an e-card prepared weeks in advance to honour Kim’s birthday. This is the first year I haven’t been able to do that, and won’t be able to do so. (Yes, I could, but she won’t pick it up, which renders the operation pointless, I think.) I continue to ask ‘why’, even though I know the answer from an intellectual perspective. The head knows, the heart feels. It’s doubly cruel that Kim’s birthday and the date which marks three months since she passed are one and the same. Hurts like hell, and I’m still not sure whether that’s what pains me the most, or whether that is the repeated reference to wanting to be well again in the emails. (That’s my current excuse for not looking at them, because I don’t know where those references are, and I do know that it will hurt when I find them.)
I’m currently distracting myself with Nanci Griffith’s music – ‘If Wishes Were Changes’ is something of an anthem for me at the moment:
‘So long to the blue days of wishing
If wishes were changes, there’d be no goodbyes
So long to the heart I have given
Ah, wishing won’t bring back the love in your eyes’
Also – ‘I Wish It Would Rain’ – two fantastic songs for the grieving heart, those of us who won’t let it forth.