The ache…


Sometimes it’s so intense that I can’t speak. Other times I can get a few words out around it…all of the time, it’s there. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but I hope it passes soon. This is such a different experience from ‘last time’. Last time, I prayed Chris home…that is to say, every night I found myself speaking with the Lord, hoping to ease her journey somehow. This time, because I found out a week later, one whole week after it had happened, that opportunity was denied me in a sense. I don’t know whether that is why I’m where I am now, feeling almost entirely abandoned by Him, calling out still, but more weakly now. Songs now, rather than prayers. I wonder sometimes how I can still bring myself to be on speaking terms with the One who did this…but of course, the One who ‘did’ this also put me here. Kim obviously came into my life for a reason, and although it pains me to say it, it may be that she left for a reason. Probably because her body was just utterly worn out. As it was, we had more time than I ever expected, so I guess I ought to be grateful for that. One day I will be…one day, when this agonising pain is over. It’s a major inconvenience, because it’s always there, and if I try to talk to people about it, the ‘move on brigade’ are quick to act.

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in grief, happenings, loss, online-loss, triggers. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The ache…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention The ache… | Navigating Cyberloss -- Topsy.com

  2. Your post brings up so many key things about grief that we all experience.
    1) Your description of the pain of grief is so apt…the ache, the intensity, the overwhelmingness of the pain.
    2) The anger and abandonment we feel when someone we care about is taken from us
    3) The things we have to be grateful for, which we cant be grateful for when we are in so much pain
    4) The people who try to divert us from our pain. I love “the move on brigade” are quick to act. Perhaps I can borrow your phrase, it describes it so perfectly.

    Thanks for your authenticity and openness in sharing.

  3. People always seem to extend their condolence on condition that it Heals You immediately, don’t they?

    But it can’t.

    • Casey B says:

      Amen.

      There’s no magic healing for this, only what we can do ourselves to keep the walls from coming in…or at least that’s how it feels early on.

      Take care,

      Casey

I love it when you share your thoughts- so feel free.

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