This new loss has shown me something alarming. I may usually lean on my faith at times like these, but this time (probably because I’m so ‘early out’) it doesn’t seem to be there. Instead there’s just an awareness that it ought to be. I ought to be able to derive some comfort from it, but being out on a limb here with what almost represents the remains of it, I’m at a total loss. I don’t know what to do with what remains here, because it feels weird to approach the Lord in prayer when this was His doing. I know that each one of us must die, but to hear of that on the day which was supposed to be a great opportunity for closure, me moving forward, not moving forward into more grief, but moving away from grief entirely.
Obviously, He had other plans, but I fail to see how I’m more useful to Him on my knees than standing upright to serve.