Keeping the door ajar


I’ve been thinking again. As those of you who read this blog know, the eighth of April will mark four years since Chris passed. (If I don’t think about it at all, I can use the other word, but not when I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to write.)

I’ve come to a conclusion that I might actually be prolonging my own experience, maybe out of fear of letting go.

Put another way, perhaps it’s that I feel if I relinquish some of the pain, I’m letting go of some part of Chris. (Rationally, I know I’m not, but I think heart logic is different to mental logic.)

So, there are certain things that I’m probably hanging onto for no mentally logical, rational reason. (Although I don’t know whether the Technicolor memories of the last week fit into that category…maybe they’re there because they’re always going to be. Perhaps there’s nothing I can really do about those.)

Other elements, of course, make it more or less like a game of Cluedo, except in this scenario, nobody’s been murdered. There are just a couple of different versions of the same information floating around. (Accusations that she ignored it for five years really annoy me, as I’m sure she was more sensible than that.)

A certain person has also told me that he believes Chris ‘wanted to die’. It’s probably cultural, but that means something entirely different to me than what he probably intends to convey by it.

Those are the things I ought to let go of, but for some reason, they’re still floating around.

What do you do when you’re keeping the door ajar? How can it be closed so as not to disturb your present life?

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in anniversaries, cyberloss stories, flashbacks, grief, happenings, loss, triggers and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Keeping the door ajar

  1. Carol ~ cz:) says:

    Losing someone significant is not easy and need to honor the grief and walk through as I am sure you know ~ I have had many losses of significant people in my life but never one that I got attached on line ~ don’t get attached to people online or haven’t ~ developing some friendships now ~ so one never knows ~ Be gentle with yourself ~ hugs and namaste, cz:)

  2. Grieving has no time frame, as there is no set time to let go of certain things. It took me 6 months to change my answering phone message that included my son’s name. I doubt I will ever let go of his ashes. I still find it difficult to say that ‘word’. I was scared to feel joy in my life again because I thought it would diminish him and my loss. It hasnt, it has given other people strength and I believe he is smiling from his ethereal realm. I feel comfortable with that. Ultimately we never let go of them completely because they are part of us and stay in our heart forever – the door always stays ajar. You will never forget. The processing of it all is ongoing. Be gentle and compassionate to yourself and do what feels right for you – there is no right or wrong way.
    Maureen x

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