I’ve been thinking again. As those of you who read this blog know, the eighth of April will mark four years since Chris passed. (If I don’t think about it at all, I can use the other word, but not when I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to write.)
I’ve come to a conclusion that I might actually be prolonging my own experience, maybe out of fear of letting go.
Put another way, perhaps it’s that I feel if I relinquish some of the pain, I’m letting go of some part of Chris. (Rationally, I know I’m not, but I think heart logic is different to mental logic.)
So, there are certain things that I’m probably hanging onto for no mentally logical, rational reason. (Although I don’t know whether the Technicolor memories of the last week fit into that category…maybe they’re there because they’re always going to be. Perhaps there’s nothing I can really do about those.)
Other elements, of course, make it more or less like a game of Cluedo, except in this scenario, nobody’s been murdered. There are just a couple of different versions of the same information floating around. (Accusations that she ignored it for five years really annoy me, as I’m sure she was more sensible than that.)
A certain person has also told me that he believes Chris ‘wanted to die’. It’s probably cultural, but that means something entirely different to me than what he probably intends to convey by it.
Those are the things I ought to let go of, but for some reason, they’re still floating around.
What do you do when you’re keeping the door ajar? How can it be closed so as not to disturb your present life?