Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then


This post is unusual, in that I’m thinking about grief still, but this time relating it to this Bob Seger song. How many of us have thought some form of the words he sings, the words which form the title of this post? I know I have. I still do.

I run the details of Chris’ illness and passing (as far as I know them) through my head surprisingly frequently, still. Four years later. Of course, the fact that all of this has happened has not changed. It will not change, as much as I may want it to with all my being.

The only things which will change, as time goes on, is how much I actually know about Chris’ illness and passing. As time goes on, I trust that more information may become available to me. I have the choice as to how I handle it, or whether I want it. In truth, I don’t. If it’s presented to me, however, I will have to take it.

It’s quite enough, I think, that I’ve been graced with the information that she was ill for so much longer than I thought. I still can’t understand it, because it all-but eliminates the period of remission during December 2006. I would really like to believe that happened, because it would mean she got some respite from the suffering.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come to a point where I can say I believe the party who has shared this information with me, but I will take it as part of what I know now.

This path isn’t easy, but I can say with little trepidation that I don’t regret a moment of it. Alright, sometimes I think to myself and think how I could have changed my reaction to some things, but then I realise that my reactions had no direct influence upon her.

Feel free to share your ‘Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then’ experiences. Is there anything?

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About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
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