Do you *really*?

I’m surprised I don’t ask myself this question on a minute by minute basis. It’s been nearly four years since I felt I needed to, but maybe that need is still there. It refers to ‘Do you really…’

  • Wish it hadn’t happened?
  • Feel that bad?
  • Know that?

I’m struggling more and more often with ‘Do you really wish it hadn’t happened?’ I know that deep down, I don’t wish that it hadn’t happened, because Chris taught me so much, during the short time we knew one another, but the peripheral stuff I could quite easily have done without.

Although now, writing this, I think to myself…would I have learned half as much without the peripheral stuff, the cancer, the illness, the medical stuff?

I can honestly say that I don’t think so. I joke these days that it’s like I was friends with a terminal illness. (Honest to God, sometimes it still feels like that.) The medical stuff is always at the forefront of my mind. I’m sure I remember the week she died more clearly than the night we first ‘met’. (I don’t remember her first words to me as clearly as I do mine to her.)

Getting on for four years without her, I’m still learning the ropes. The side effect of now being able to look at pictures, conversations, etc. is that I’ve become familiar with them…totally.

There aren’t any surprises any more, save for the moments when there are new photos. Within a week, I come to know those backwards as well, so then there are no more surprises.

There are hidden treasures in the conversations we had, but I can’t pick my own numbers between one and sixty-four, because I have a bias towards particular numbers, and others I don’t like to look at.

Is there a question you have asked yourself repeatedly, or still ask yourself, however far out you are on this journey?

PS: Three months today marks four years…oh, joy!


About Casey Bottono

I am in love with language. I write poetry and fiction in a wide variety of genres. Most recently, I have been shortlisted as a finalist in the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities' Pen2Paper contest.
This entry was posted in anticipation, flashbacks, grief, happenings, loss, online-loss and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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