Five benefits of sharing your cyberloss story

Hi, friends.

Sorry it’s been quiet around here, but I’ve been busy with university work and having started the book. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again…I’m learning through writing the book that there’s a lot to be said for sharing an experience of cyberloss. Here’s a rundown of what I think the most important benefits are:

1. Sharing gives you clarity about the sequence of events. 

If some time has passed after the loss of an online friend, it can be difficult to remember the precise sequence of events – talking about them with other people provides a way of keeping the sequence clear.

2. Sharing allows you to remember the good before the bad.

Once some time has passed after a cyberloss, it is beneficial to share, because sharing prompts you  to remember the wonderful parts of a friendship rather than the moments you would rather forget.

3. Sharing opens up a dialogue about the person who has passed. 

This might be an obvious one, but it’s still a benefit. Once you begin to share, you may find it easier to talk openly about the person who you’ve lost.

4. Sharing is a way of remembering. 

Again this is linked to number 3, but sharing is a way of remembering within a group…or writing about it provides a record you can look back at later. 

5. Sharing means that their story is not forgotten. 

 Once you have opened up a dialogue with somebody else about the person you have known, the chances are you will be able to have further conversations in the future and talk openly about your experiences and feelings.

If you can think of any more benefits to sharing your cyberloss story, I’d like to hear from you in the comments. My next post will cover ways of sharing your cyberloss story in more detail.

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Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Preparing to share my cyberloss experience in a new way…

…or in the old-fashioned way, depending on how you look at it. Today was a very productive day, as I began to outline the book I will write in the future. Loving your subject    obviously makes time fly by. I looked up from my page and realised I’d managed to outline the first twelve chapters.

I’m not sure what I want the book to be just yet, I will aim for a balance between telling the story and providing support, much like what I strive to do here. Will keep you updated on how the project progresses. Normal service will resume shortly.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Participation in online communities after cyberloss

Hello, friends.

I’d like to ask you  a question – really just to see whether I’m the only person who’s noticed this. That question is: has your level of participation in online communities dropped since your loss?

The answer may be obvious, but personally I was surprised to realise that I hardly ever post on the George Harrison forum where I met Chris any more. I contributed to a discussion about a recent interview with Harrison’s widow tonight, and hadn’t posted for a month before that. I’m not sure of the proper explanation; I just don’t feel drawn to the community any more, in the absence of the way things were.

Please vote in the poll, and share your response/story in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Cyberloss and the fear of forgetting

Right now, content for this blog is coming from what I would have liked to know about/read about when first trying to come to terms with Chris’ death- so if there’s anything you would like to read about or contribute to the blog, please comment or email me and let me know.

Today I want to pick up on a theme in my most recent post: ‘Moving on means forgetting.’ Wiser folk than I have differing opinions on this, but that’s the classical view. To ‘move on’ is to emerge at a place in life where you either don’t think about the person you’ve lost, or have total control over the moments when you do. (A laudable aim, in my opinion.)

For those of us who have experienced cyberloss, however, a more realistic aim than this is to create opportunities to share our experience of online friendship, and if the situation arises, also our story of cyberloss. Creating such opportunities gives us a chance to reorganise the chronology of events mentally, and may avoid the sense of panic that arises from being unable to remember the precise sequence of events.

Memorializing through art or music is another way of combating the fear of forgetting- immerse yourself in an art project which reminds you of them, or listen to some music that you shared a love for.

What do you do to remember online friends who have passed on? Please share your experiences and ideas in the comments. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys, 

Related articles

• ‘They always know they’re loved’: musings on cyberloss, grief and love (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Cyberloss, grief, memories and choices (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Cyberloss and showing your support (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Discussing cyberloss in the outside world. (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)

Difficult decisions and cyberloss

Any type of loss can bring difficult decisions, and cyberloss is no different. Over the past six years (five years since losing Chris, just over a year since losing Kim) many unexpected difficulties have come my way. They all seem to be part of the choice to move forward (not move on- ‘moving on’ to me means forgetting) and let go of some of the suffering.

Finding a source of support in making those decisions is vital. It’s not advisable to try to make them by yourself…as I’ve said before, having somebody to talk with about these issues is helpful.

The first difficult decision I had to make after Chris’ passing revolved around the destruction of journals I had meticulously kept during her illness. (In those days it boiled down to ‘If you don’t write, you won’t be able to sleep.’) Kim helped me through that…simply by agreeing that I had made the right choice. Eventually, in 2009, I plucked up the courage to burn the pages which dealt with Chris’ passing…as those events are seared into my consciousness anyway.

It was ultimately healing to have disposed of the journals in that way, but if I thought that would be the last of the difficult decisions, I was wrong. I thought for months about getting back into contact with Chris’ family, and ended up doing that in 2008. Although it was brief, receiving an email from Chris’ husband informing me that her family were well and adjusting to Chris’ absence was a comfort to me. Through getting back in touch with her family, I also got back in touch with a friend of hers, who then sent some pictures I’d not seen before. It was beautiful to think that he cared enough to share them with me.

More recent difficult decisions have involved the deletion of my MySpace account, which was my primary means of staying in contact with Kim. Now she is no longer around, I don’t need the account, but deleting it was another matter entirely.

I eventually managed it…I’d reached a point where I needed to do the task or let it consume me for another year. My only stumbling block then was MySpace customer service…but this blog isn’t about that.

I made the decision to delete emails from when Kim was hospitalised in February this year. I had no inclination to do a search of my email inbox and find the ones from that period prior to that point. I still have a number of messages to deal with, but I will when I feel up to the task.

More to come on this subject in the future, but I think this post is long enough.

Please find somebody who is willing to support you when making decisions about your online friend’s mementos. It doesn’t mean it’s the easiest thing in the world, but it lightens the load. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Related articles

• Cyberloss, grief, memories and choices (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• ‘They always know they’re loved’: musings on cyberloss, grief and love (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Discussing cyberloss in the outside world (part 2) (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Discussing cyberloss in the outside world. (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)

The Confusion of Missing You

Kim’s on my mind tonight for some reason…so I’ve written another poem. Seems to be the only way I can put this into words. Here goes.

The Confusion of Missing You

It confounds me still
The way you left this world
Leaving us with so many questions
The least of which is ‘why?’

There was a time I didn’t doubt
The affection we held for one another
Now I don’t even want to remember
Because of the way things are

There’s confusion to this sensation
I hate the choice you didn’t feel you had
I’ve given up trying to find a reason
because that just makes me mad

I know there’s no kind answer
No reason that would do
I’m getting used to this confusion
The confusion of missing you.

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Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Sharing your story after cyberloss is important – here’s why

As I wrote on Tuesday, I recently had the pleasure of guest posting for Caleb Wilde. Writing the piece was cathartic, as sharing Chris’ story always is. Each time I share it, a new perspective starts to form, and I gain a fresh understanding.

There are certain parts I would rather hadn’t happened, of course. Talking about those is difficult, but important. Having an outlet is invaluable when facing any kind of loss, but with the loss of online friends, it becomes doubly important.

If you don’t feel able to talk about a cyberloss with friends, then there are other avenues you can explore. Art may be helpful, or writing perhaps. Sharing your story in whatever way you choose makes it universal, and hopefully more bearable, because you will open avenues that you can use to support yourself in the future.

Find something that suits you, and use it. If you’d like to, you can share what you’re doing to remember in the comments, or share your story there if it helps.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Related articles

• Cyberloss and showing your support (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Discussing cyberloss in the outside world (part 2) (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)
• Discussing cyberloss in the outside world. (navigatingcyberloss.wordpress.com)