First, a little disclaimer. I’m not a TTC blogger, my blog is radically different to many of the others on the master list. I began this blog in November 2010 as a way to document my journey through and recovery from grieving after losing a dear friend I only knew online to cancer in 2007. I went on a search to find resources to help people who are dealing with that kind of loss, and found absolutely nothing. So, in the absence of such a resource, I started it. I’m still trying to find my niche, and hoping that those who need this blog will find it.

Wishing you all the best,

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• IComLeavWe: February 2012 (stirrup-queens.com)

It came to my attention today via a post on a friend’s Facebook wall that this week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the UK. I’m not going to post much about it, for obvious reasons, but I just wanted to acknowledge it, given that I post annually acknowledging Breast Cancer Awareness Month and Livestrong Day in October. It pains me to pay tribute to Kim at the moment, so I won’t, but discussion around the issue of eating disorders should be more widespread than it is.

Wishing you all peace and strength on your journeys,

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I’m not one to rant on the over-commercialization of religious celebrations, but I object to shops  setting out Easter displays this far in advance. I know it’s all about their sales, and I wouldn’t mind, but obviously it’s not a great time of year from the standpoint of my journey alongside Chris. Too many memories, very few of them actually of the sort I’d like to keep.

Yesterday I had another moment much like the earlier experience after Kim’s passing. This time it wasn’t prompted by pet memorials  – just a display of Easter cards. I looked through them for a few minutes, picked a couple of packs up and put them back, before I had to turn and walk away. Rationally, I know I won’t be able to sleep through the upcoming event, but it seems impossible to avoid it entirely. Up until that point, Sunday had been a reasonably good day. I didn’t appreciate being asked when Easter was, but answered the question and permitted myself the sigh that accompanied the mention of that day.

I hold some hope that Easter will eventually lose the sting that it has at the moment, but I’m not sure whether that’s just wishful thinking.

Wishing you all peace and strength on your journeys,

Billy Joe Shaver – ‘When the Fallen Angels Fly’

Listening to the above song as I write this, and thinking about the series of blog posts which will begin next Saturday, reminiscing about Chris’ role in my life . I know I’ve related the history before, but it seems àpropos to revisit this year. I still find it very difficult to think that it has been nearly five years, but time’s like that, I guess. Slips under your nose, and you barely notice its going. (Or maybe that was just me with my head in the sand.) The first post next week will talk about how Chris and I came to know one another – one of my favourite stories, in fact. All to do with what would have been George Harrison’s 63rd birthday in 2006. I’m not sure whether I’ll post weekly during this time, or whether I will pick it up at Easter, when I will certainly need to post. ‘Til next week, I just thought I’d check in, to let you know that the blog is still active, that I am still thinking about it, even if I don’t post that much.

Wishing you all strength and peace on your journeys,

User created 11-2-2012

Hi, folks.

Just thought I’d throw this one out there, because I caught myself pondering this question a few minutes ago.

Everybody says ‘You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.’ I’m wondering whether that is actually not true for those of us who’ve experienced this kind of relationship, and this kind of loss. Owing to the nature of our relationships with online friends, we may never have the chance to meet them. (Those of us who do are very lucky. I never had the pleasure of meeting Chris or Kim, but I met an online friend who lives in Germany last summer. Was pretty awesome.)

Does that mean that we recognise the importance of these relationships more, and that’s why we nurture them to the point that they become so significant for us? I’d be interested to read what you think on the matter. Are the relationships with those we don’t know in person somehow deeper for that? (I recognise that this probably should have been an earlier post, but the thought has just occurred to me.)

Please leave feedback and let me know what you think.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Image from http://milaninternationalschool.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/thank-you-multilingual.jpg?w=455

Hello, friends.

I am writing this in advance of the milestone, as at the time of writing, my stat counter shows 3,499 visitors to the blog. I recognise that some of those visitors have been spam bots, but to each and every one of my genuine visitors, I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks. I hope that in some small way, the blog has been the resource that I imagine it being at some point in the future. It is my sincere hope that those who need it will find it, and that those who do not understand the feelings that those affected by online loss experience will gain some understanding from reading the posts here. I hope Navigating Cyberloss can continue to be a useful resource for the online community which it was created to support.

Wishing you all peace and strength on your journeys,

I must admit I’m feeling it today. The reasoning is twofold. Firstly, I’ve received more email from Tennessee. I wouldn’t normally complain, but I’m starting to feel (well, I’ve felt for a while) that I need space to be able to process what’s happened. I’m not sure I’m going to get it if I keep licking the wound by keeping up the contact. I’m pleased that the family want to keep up contact with me, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to receive the photos which have been promised. I know I will put them away until I am ready to look, but I don’t know when that day will come. I guess I have to be ready for this, as it’s going to happen anyway…much like the coming anniversary of Chris’ death. (Exactly two months away today- that being the second reason I’m ‘feeling it’.) I’m listening to The Eagles ‘Learn to Be Still’, and the following verse speaks to me in the midst of this strange darkness- maybe it will have something to offer you:

Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin’
It’s waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will…
Learn to be still 

Wishing you all stillness and peace in your journeys,

I apologise that I have been somewhat neglectful of the blog recently, owing to university work and the diversion that is the fun of February Album Writing Month. Those who have read this blog for a while know that I take part annually, and it’s a great way to distract myself from the emotions that this ride brings, and to have a bit of fun with one of my hobbies, creating and presenting something to the world. The aim of February Album Writing Month is to produce 14 songs in the 28 days of February (or this year, 14 and a half songs in the 29 days.)

I think this FAWM is marking a turning point for me in my grief. So far, I have found that there are fewer achingly personal songs begging to be written. (I probably did a lot of my FAWM grief writing last year when Kim passed away…three songs came out of that experience.) This year I seem to have gone on a Celtic voyage with the music. The songs have been moderately popular, and I feel like I may be able to go the distance this year and complete fourteen songs. It will be a good test of how far I have come.

I expect to be more active on the blog next month, as the fifth anniversary of Chris’ passing approaches. I’m still pondering exactly how I am going to commemorate that, but hopefully I will find a way.

Wishing you all peace and strength on your journeys,

I’m surprised to say that I’ve been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award a second time, thanks to Leo Rex.

It doesn’t matter how many times I’m nominated for this award, I will probably still always have difficulty picking the fifteen bloggers. However, now I can think of a few.

1. Alana Burton-Sheeren at Life After Benjamin
2. Kara Jones at Mother Henna
3. Cath Duncan at Remembering for Good
4. Kate Shrewsday
5. Fate’s Joke
6. Connecting with Zoe
7. Caitlin Doughty at Order of the Good Death
8. Finding Life in a Death
9. How To Get Happy
10. Triumph of the Spirit
11. The Write Practice
12. Corinne Rodrigues at Everyday Gyaan
13. Lauren Muscarella at trauma2art
14. Alice Pyne at Alice’s Bucket List
15. Eden at Edenland

Seven facts about me…OK.

1. I’m an English with Creative Writing student as of last September
2. I’m very interested in origami, having started last year after injuring my thumb, which stopped me from playing guitar.
3. I used to be spiritual, but I’m not so much any more.
4. I love to draw, but don’t do it often because I don’t think I’m much good at it.
5. I dream of visiting Argentina one day.
6. I take part annually in February Album Writing Month with the aim of adding at least one new song to my catalogue.
7. I have had a song played on Mexican radio

OK – that’s the post. Thanks, Leo. Off now to tell the nominees.

Here’s hoping this post finds you all well. Gary Allan’s singing in my headphones as I write this, all about ‘putting memories away’. I can’t even start to think about that today. For some reason I’m stumped and stuck again. It means a lot that people keep in touch, but I’m not sure how to react. I was very touched to read that Kim’s family and friends included me in their commemoration of the anniversary two weeks ago today.

I’m still experiencing a fair amount of pain though, due to the fact that I still feel like I need space to forget, as well as remember. I don’t want to erase Kim from my life…and yet I know that there have been many occasions where the words on my lips have said and conveyed something else entirely. But I also don’t want to become mired in the feelings that I experience when I think of her. The anger is still there, even a whole year later. More than a year on, in fact. I guess I need to deal with the emails, then have a think about what to do with regard to that contact. I value it, but I don’t know whether it’s doing more harm than good at the moment. To those of you who have had experience with this sort of thing – would you recommend keeping the contact, or cutting it at the earliest opportunity? Please let me know in the comments.

Wishing you all peace and strength on your respective journeys,