I hope this post finds you well.
As for me, the quest for understanding continues, and I’m not sure where it’s going to lead.
All I am certain of is that something seems to be shifting. Somehow I can think of Kim without the full force of the anger that had previously been dominant when I thought of her.
Whilst questions remain, I feel I have reached a point at which I can deal with them. There are no answers as yet, and there may never be any, but as long as I am at peace with that, I can achieve peace in other areas.
In my last post, I talked about how I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to forgive Kim. Instead of aiming to be able to say those words right now, I am working on the phrase: ‘I do not blame you’.
The idea of forgiving still weighs heavy, simply because there is so much to forgive. There scarcely seemed to be a moment where I could pause to take stock of what had happened. Now, I must deal with it retrospectively rather than in the moment.
I am working on it, but the medical stuff still holds sway. There seems to be a ‘well’ of emotion that I have not allowed myself to feel. Not feeling it is harmful, I know, but the idea of feeling it scares me. Something that has built for two years is bound to ‘blow’ when finally allowed to come forth.
I’ve tried a variety of songs to get to the edge of that state, and nothing seems to have worked so far. I have ‘Go Rest High On That Mountain‘ on repeat, because the first verse brings the emotion to the surface, but then it will not come out.
I sincerely hope I can allow myself this gift, to be able to weep and grieve for Kim. It does not seem or feel right to me that I still harbour so much anger, but I have seemingly unmasked that for what it is. In the meantime, I cling to the Serenity Prayer, as I often have:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,