Stream of Consciousness Sunday goes promptless again this week, and Jana has invited us to link our favourite posts of the week. I’ve written fresh, but not in five minutes.
I hope this post finds you well. I apologise in advance for what will probably be a bit of a ramble, this post is fresh from my head. Now that I have begun to turn my attention to actually allowing myself to grieve for Kim, I have met some unforeseen obstacles.
The main problem seems to be that I don’t have any idea what the end point is going to be with this. Very soon after Chris’ passing, I came to realise that there would be a time where the ache would lessen and I would be able to think of her with a smile rather than sadness.
Everything on the ever-growing diagram seems to point to an ultimate ‘destination’ of forgiving Kim. I am not sure what that will take, because it’s not as if there is something I can understand, let go of and say ‘I know why it happened, now I can let it go.’
My reluctance to sit with the emotion can’t be helping. I must admit to myself that I still have some work to do in that area. There is so much that I haven’t allowed myself to feel yet. Early on, it seemed that the most sensible thing to do was build a wall around it, shut that door and walk away. Now I have realised that whilst that is emotionally safer, practically, it’s not a solution.
I must work out what my aim is in terms of this grieving process. It seems that it is different from other experiences I have had. With the other occasions, there was a resolution inherent in the experience of the loss. I grieved, and allowed myself to do that, then accepted what was and continued on with my memories.
Now, there is no resolution inherent in this experience, because it’s so open-ended. There are questions that simply cannot be answered to my satisfaction or anybody else’s. It’s a lofty goal, but I need to accept that I will not understand. There will be questions that I will need to let go of, and I need to find some way to rob the medical memories of their power.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,