Well I just got back from hell
And I guess to tell the truth
I’ve been mad at everyone
Including God and you
When you can’t find no-one to blame
You just blame yourself
And I know I’ll never be the same
I just got back from Hell
Harper Allen/Gary Allan ‘I Just Got Back From Hell‘, from Tough All Over
© MCA Nashville, 2005
I hope this post finds you well. I wasn’t sure I was going to post today, as I’m still running thoughts through my head at a hundred miles an hour. The curveball at the end of 2012 threw me for a loop, and I’m still trying to get my head around it.
The upcoming anniversary of Kim’s passing looms still, although I have a grip on that. It’s difficult to know until it comes how I will end up taking it, but I guess ‘on the chin’ is the only way to handle these occasions. It’s not really an anniversary in the perhaps doom-laden sense of the word, I’m just aware that I will probably feel it.
I’ve found a surprising outlet for many of these feelings, which is doubly so because of the peaks and troughs of my spiritual journey. Writing spiritual lyrics gives me somewhere to go with it, even if I have to restrain myself from revealing the total truth of the situation.
The seeming success of this latest project shows me that there’s still a part of me which welcomes the idea of the sacred and spiritual. It may be that most of the time I am more conscious of a wish to walk in the opposite direction to any divine presence, but when I write these songs, that falls away.
Perhaps they are a way of facing myself now, saying what I need to and leaving it behind. Ultimately, as all creative projects, they must reveal their own purpose to me. Words have been a constant help to me at every stage of this journey, from providing me with a way to take stock and make a strange kind of sense, to now giving me a distraction from it.
I can’t help but wonder what the rest of the year will bring. I hope for resolution in one sense, and increased peace in another.
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,