I came across this on Friday, thanks to Cath Duncan of Remembering for Good. She linked to Nancy Berns’ talk ‘Beyond Closure‘ in her newsletter, and it really resonated with me. Briefly, Nancy Berns believes that joy and grief can coexist. An odd idea, perhaps, but comforting, I think.
After watching Nancy’s whole talk (seventeen minutes in all) I began to think about closure as it relates to our type of loss. Because society doesn’t quite understand just yet, we are forced into a position where we cannot discuss our online friends’ deaths, or their lives.
Of course, that isn’t fair to us…so we strive for closure, without knowing that’s what we’re going for. Some might need to know that everything is in order, they know where all of the conversations are, not a single thing out-of-place. Others might feel the need to know every detail about the passing. (I’ve experienced both of those)
There’s freedom in realising that closure doesn’t exist - we can learn to live together with our pain. That, to me, is the heart of Nancy’s message. As a result of watching her talk, I have renewed my commitment to let go of needing to know every detail, because that’s ultimately not going to help. I’ll know everything, and create a whole load of stumbling blocks that will need more help to get through or over. I like the idea of letting go, accepting whatever comes and living fully again. That’s my commitment, and that’s my tribute to Chris. I’d be interested to read about what closure means to you- do you think it can happen? (I’m not talking about forgetting, rather coming to peace with events…or whatever you may define closure as.)
Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,