Grieving secondary digital losses

Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. As I write this, the George Harrison forum has been down for a little over six months. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but somehow it remains so.

I have known for some time that it is unlikely to return in whatever form it once was, but that is harder to accept than I would have thought. It is not as if I ‘need’ the content, but to know that I missed so many opportunities to back it up when I had them…it’s infuriating.

I have every single one of our MSN conversations, but most of the time, I cannot bring myself to look at them. The simple fact of there not being any more is somehow more than I can take.

It may be that this kind of loss is ‘part of the healing process’, but I can’t believe I had so many opportunities to get that stuff, and just didn’t bother.

I know I have to forgive myself and move on, but there’s something so crazy about the idea that it just isn’t there any more.

So many of my memories are bound up in that content, in some ways what I experienced is validated by it.

What I’d really like to know is whether I’m mad for feeling like this. I think I might well be over-reacting, because the truth is I had six years to do this, and I didn’t bother. It obviously didn’t mean that much.

Ramble/rant over.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

An apology plus some news

Hello, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Firstly, I must apologise. I had every intention of daily blogging my way through Shine, and with some of the revelations that the course brought and is still bringing, that has somewhat fallen by the wayside.

The upside of Shine is that I’m learning to love my grieving self, and appreciate who I am when I am not grieving as well.

I should have followed up on my letter to the Universe sooner, but it seems that it listened. Although the article I pitched to Psychologies wasn’t accepted, I’ve found another avenue for my poetry.

After sending pieces out to three different places, and getting a rejection from one magazine, whilst the others hung on to the pieces, I sent to a local magazine which supports and discovers local poets.

I then discovered that they don’t like people to submit to them and to other places at the same time. I emailed the editor and explained my mistake, and he said it’s OK, as long as I withdraw ‘Epitaph For An Online Friend’.

They want to publish it in October!

For a piece written three years ago on the back of an envelope, now going into a fairly prestigious local magazine is quite something. Bearing in mind that I hadn’t even had the chance to edit it myself, I don’t think I could be much happier at this point in time.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

 

Shine day twelve/day thirteen: saying no and petitioning the universe

Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. The past couple of days have been full of revelations for me, which I hope explains the delay in my blogging about the experiences I’ve had with Shine.

Yesterday was hugely significant in my journey with Shine, and my journey with my grief. Alana invited us to ponder a situation or issue in our lives where we would benefit from saying no. Initially, I couldn’t think of anything, before I realised that it was staring me in the face.

In order to continue making the progress I have done, I must say no to particular old patterns of thinking. This includes saying no to my belief that Kim was in any way wrong, or that what happened to her was a choice. I hadn’t had a chance to write about yesterday’s exercise until tonight, but when I did, some of the things that ended up on the page surprised me.

Perhaps the most significant of these was ‘I have been loath to admit it, but my grief over Kim’s death is a dung heap of my own making.’

In surrendering to it so often, and for so long, I have also tacitly made a decision not to allow myself to be happy. That is a difficult thing to realise, because it throws up a number of other issues and obstacles that I need to be ready to work with.

I now realise that I shot myself in the foot with my decision to hang on to the diaries I wrote during my earliest grief for Chris, and going into my earliest grief for Kim. Thankfully, I have salvaged those poems I want to keep, and intend to destroy the pages of  the diaries on Monday with the moral support of a trusted friend.

After that, I intend to repurpose the books so that I can use them for poetry and perhaps a gratitude journal. There are two volumes, and I love the covers…just not the contents. I am hopeful that the repurposing of the journals will allow me to get to a different space.

The two journals I intend to repurpose

I recognise that this is getting pretty long, but I haven’t written about today’s prompt yet. Alana invited us to write a classified ad to the Universe, asking for something we wanted. When I read the prompt, I couldn’t think of anything, so I decided to sit with it for a while and check my writer email. I found a response from Psychologies magazine, wherein they said that my pitch wasn’t ‘quite right’ for them, and invited me to send any other ideas I had.

The thing is, I don’t have any other ideas…so I have asked the Universe for help in finding a place for my writing.

If you’re interested in following my progress with Shine as I post, please follow the blog via email (on the right)  to make sure that you don’t miss an update over the next 28 days. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Shine day 11: “I forgive myself”

Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Today’s prompt for Shine was remarkable for me, as I have achieved something I didn’t think would be possible yet.

Alana invited us to ‘try on’ the mantra “I forgive myself”. When I attempted this at first, I couldn’t even articulate it. However, when I did eventually say it, I found that I was following it with ‘for…’. It was an interesting experience, because I found myself speaking about certain aspects that I wouldn’t otherwise have acknowledged.

My first point of forgiveness was ‘I forgive myself for being scared’, which was followed by ‘I forgive myself for being angry.’ I’m not sure why they came out in that order, but I thought I would go with my gut instinct, and spoke them anyway.

I was fortunate enough to be able to discuss the prompt and my feelings around it with a friend, who gave an interesting perspective: ‘It’s almost as if saying it confirms it.’

I have to agree, because I have always believed that speaking feelings returns the power to us. When we don’t speak about them, they’ll sit there and lurk below the surface.

Living with that kind of stuff below the surface isn’t easy, so I am very pleased to have found a way through it.

If you’re interested in following my progress with Shine as I post, please follow the blog via email (on the right)  to make sure that you don’t miss an update over the next 28 days. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Shine e-course day nine/ten: sitting with uncomfortable emotions and redefining food

Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Before I get into day nine, I must say that today is actually day ten, but as I don’t feel able to do today’s prompt, I’m not going to write about it. However, today Alana asked us to really consider what we eat, and whether we want to eat it, so that we can listen to our bodies a little more easily. In theory, this might be a useful exercise. For me right now, it’s not the most practical thing.

I’m aware that food is often (too often) a source of comfort for me, but right now, it’s my ultimate source of discomfort. Went to the dentist on Friday to find out that my wisdom teeth are working their way through. That is deeply painful at times, although whoever invented paracetamol is a saint in my book at the moment.

Yesterday’s exercise was far more productive, as Alana challenged us to try sitting with some of the big feelings that we would usually muscle through. Don’t mind admitting that reading that prompt nearly made me cry, although I wasn’t in a ‘safe place’ to let go.

I realised that given the opportunity, most of my ‘big’ feelings will rush to the surface, which isn’t helpful. It gives me a chance to let them go, but the process of doing so is something like a fur-ball, in that I think I’ve dealt with it, and then I haven’t.

It’s incredible, really. Shine is showing me a side of my personality that I thought I’d completely lost in the midst of my grief. I’m getting closer than ever to finding that place of peace within myself that is eternal and unshakeable.

There’s a lot more that I need to work on, I know…but as I said at the beginning: ‘I think separating the real me from the bereaved me is enough for the next 28 days.’

If you’re interested in following my progress with Shine as I post, please follow the blog via email (on the right)  to make sure that you don’t miss an update over the next 28 days. 

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,

Shine e-course day eight: gossip, negative talk and feeling like the victim

Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Today’s prompt for Shine resonated with me in light of all that I’m trying to change by doing the course. I want to allow myself to be free of my story in a way, and truly embrace my experiences by doing so.

Yes, it was hard to experience the things that I have, to witness them…even over the great distance that most of them were played out from. However, now something is shifting. I feel more able in the midst of my grief, able to decide what I want to do with it and how I want to change it. (There’s no question of ‘if’ I want to change it – that goes without saying.)

Anyway, today’s prompt for Shine invited us to notice when we were gossiping or talking negatively, complaining or otherwise feeling like the victim.

Writing in my journal was interesting for this particular prompt. I realised that most of my ‘feeling like the victim’ still stems from the experience with Kim. I wrote: ‘It is easy – some might say far too easy, for me to paint myself as a victim in light of Kim’s death, but I am by far the only person [realised what I was writing at this point and corrected myself] by far not the only person to have been deeply hurt by it.’

I’m sure that because I am outside Kim’s inner circle, that is why it seems to me that her family and close friends have an easier time forgiving her. The truth is that for some reason I will not allow myself to forgive her.

More tomorrow…

Casey B.

Shine e-course day seven: Discovering the joy in dance

Hi, friends.

I hope this post finds you well. Today’s prompt for Shine caught me off-guard a little, because it’s not something I usually do. I more often joke that I look like a lame duck when I dance.

However, I’ve realised through today’s prompt that I need to change my relationship with dance. Usually, I only dance when I’m incredibly happy already. I have a feeling (or a suspicion) that dance could bring about that kind of happiness, based on how much I enjoyed what I did today.

I think the key is dancing without judging. If we allow ourselves to dance without feeling as though we are in some way wrong for doing so, it can open doors, as any other creative medium. For years, I never understood why drama and dance are paired on so many school syllabi, now I’m not sure they can be separated.

I always found it frustrating, because my body wouldn’t (and still won’t) do so many of the things that other people could in my classes. Now, I can and should learn to dance for myself, enjoying the freedom that it brings.

There’s definitely something about that kind of movement which has been missing from my life. I can’t help but wonder if having that back will enable me to feel a shift in other ways. Starting my day with dance enabled me to offset some of the fear brought about by an unexpected trip to the dentist, and allowed me to centre into a state of eagerness for what the day would bring.

I chose to dance to Dwight Yoakam’s ‘Take Hold of My Hand‘ first of all, because I absolutely love the song, and followed it with Dancing in the Dark and Listen to the Music - two of my other favourites.

Wishing you peace and strength on your journeys,